Are you happy now?
by sekangel7
Summary: There was no note when it happened and Josh could only wonder how his brother came to be so unhappy. Finding the book was unintentional but reading it will change his whole perspective on everybody else and the way he thought he knew his brother. How could he have been so unhappy that he would try to end his life?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

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Chapter One

Something terrible happened.

It was all over Belleview High School once the weekend gave way to the weekdays and Monday came about again. The only thing was that nobody really knew anything. They knew there was an attempted suicide and that the kid had tried to take their own life but beyond that they weren't told anything else. They didn't know the identity of the person who did it and could only guess, trying to find anyone who was unexpectedly absent when they should be here.

It didn't matter though.

It seriously didn't because they would never truly know because kids were absent each day from school and they were sick or they had some type of appointment that they couldn't miss. How they were going to find out was beyond Josh. And even if they did know then the reason would be even slimmer because even he wouldn't know and he thought he knew everything there had been.

He was wrong.

He was so deadly wrong and now it was too late to go back and change anything. He wanted to. Why would anyone want to take the cowardly way out when they were going to graduate some months later? Not that the person was a coward. He really wasn't and that was what got onto Josh because this person was one of the strongest people he had come to know and if they couldn't go on, how was he?

He could see people staring and he quickly shut his locker wishing his mom and dad would have let him stay home from school today. They had wanted him to stay in fact but decided he was losing too much school as it was. Megan was a little pale that morning and got to stay home from school but then again she was taking it a lot harder as well.

He sighed.

He honestly wished there was more that he could've done for them. If only he had seen this coming so he could have stopped it but when someone wanted to die then what signs were there? Someone who wanted to live would send so many red signals because they were losing themselves but someone with nothing else holding them back wouldn't let themselves be caught. It was sad but it was also the cold reality that Josh was reliving every day of his life.

What could have happened? What was he thinking when he felt that there was nothing else in this world that could convince him that his life was worth living? But more importantly why did he suddenly decide that living just wasn't worth it anymore? There was so much that Josh knew he had missed because someone couldn't go straight from being popular, well liked, and in the prime of life to some depressed being so intent to end his life-and Josh wasn't going to think about what happened. He still was in denial and was hoping he'd wake up and he would admit that he and Megan played a horrible prank on him but more importantly he wished he was okay.

"Hey."

Mindy didn't suspect much but she knew something was wrong. Drake hadn't been at school all week and now that he thought back, he knew Drake didn't like school less than the next person but he treated this place as a time to nap and impress the ladies. People loved him and the fact that he truly looked so pale just wasn't Drake.

"Hey Mindy," Josh felt like this was wrong. Drake should be here greeting Mindy like he usually did. He remembered suddenly and his mouth went dry. He didn't like it and he wished that Drake was here now because he always knew what to do.

"I heard about the incident that occurred this past weekend," Mindy told him and Josh could only hope she didn't keep talking about it. He couldn't stand it. "It was awful, but they're not actually labeling it a suicide yet because the person is in the hospital and-"

Josh actually tore his eyes away from her to grab the rest of his books from his locker for the next three classes. Mindy seemed to notice that he wasn't interested in the conversation at all and huffed silently crossing her arms.

"Josh look it's not that I really want to talk about it because I've heard horrible things. I heard the one who did it took their parents' pills, stabbed themselves, hung themselves in the garage, and the last one was by slitting their wrist. I've heard so many rumors about it that I'm about to go crazy! How are you feeling about this anyways?"

"It was most certainly a suicide," Josh found himself saying despite the cold numb feeling inside. "What do I feel about this Mindy? I feel somebody just destroyed their family's lives by being so selfish that they didn't think what taking their own lives would do to them."

Mindy nodded although she frowned.

"I hope you know that you haven't really been okay. Want me to come over later?"

Josh thought of this many times since he came back to school. He knew people would want to but he couldn't do it. He couldn't just let everyone know what happened yet because he was still getting used to being so alone. He was alone and it felt so empty.

Honestly, he didn't want Mindy there because he was contemplating how it was that he thought he could live this way even though he did for a few weeks back in junior year. He had been done and had even went as far as convincing himself he would be better off but he knew this was a lot worse than that could ever be because he didn't-there was no way of forgiveness now. There was no I'm sorry and I didn't mean it before everything was the same.

He let Mindy hug him and he gave her a small kiss on her cheek before going the opposite direction of Mindy. He needed to get his mind off of all of this even for a few hours and if Calculus had to be that distraction he would gladly take it. It would be easy anyways since he knew they didn't share a class. No, he didn't have to imagine what the empty chair meant like in physics when he wished that Drake would speak up and remind him that they were partners like he had before. It was just really unfair.

He found that the class wasn't helping though.

For the first time in a long while he truly felt alone and nobody could ever understand how he could feel.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

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Chapter Two

Josh had hoped that he would get home to the sound of Drake talking to a girl even though he was sick or even the sight of Drake would have done something to him. He was living in a nightmare that he couldn't get out of and he was coming to realize that dreaming was a lot better than reality. Reality was nothing but a cold dark emptiness inside where everything else used to be.

He dropped his backpack onto the couch and realized he wasn't alone at the moment because Megan happened to be there as well. She simply glanced at him though and looked away. Josh couldn't blame her though because it would have been so much different if it had been someone else but it was done by someone she trusted the most. They had the same blood and it wasn't like she hated him but it was just so much more different with him, he hadn't known her all his life.

Drake did and he was no longer here.

"I thought it was a dream," she admitted in a broken voice no higher than a whisper. "But then I woke up and looked inside the room and he wasn't there. Why wasn't he Josh? He promised me that he wouldn't go anywhere!"

Josh went to pull her into a hug but she moved back before he could even begin to try to help her. She was so broken, so tiny right there and it just made him even madder than he wanted to be. He pushed himself away from the couch and up the stairs before Megan could even try to convince him otherwise.

He hesitated by the door though realizing he hadn't been there in the last two weeks and was ashamed to have not been there. It still wouldn't have stopped it, he thought. How could he? Since it happened he thought about everything he could have done to stop it and since then came to the conclusion that it wasn't just one single event, it had to be multiple ones that caused him to fall.

He turned the knob never feeling so much fear as he entered it slowly. He exhaled loudly seeing that the room had never been so spotless. Mom and dad couldn't bring themselves to enter their own son's room and Josh was finding not for the first time that it had been thought thorough. Thorough to every detail. He made his way over to the couch and took a seat. Nothing happened but that was part of the problem. There was no noise and normally there was always some kind of music playing from this room whether it was by the guitar, Drake's band, or the music that came from the CD player.

There had been no suicide note. Mom felt horrible and couldn't stand the fact that her son did this. Dad was equally upset but for a different reason. He felt that he never gotten through to Drake when he should have and that was enough from ever letting their parents enter this room again. Leaning back, Josh kicked at the table and quickly jumped up in to make sure that nothing was dislodged. He didn't want to change anything. With how lonely he was feeling now, he knew that this was the only connection he had had to Drake and he wasn't going to lose it.

"Why'd you do it brotha?" he whispered sadly.

He managed to look down and tipped his head sideways in confusion. His confusion turned to irritation when he realized that it was just fabric of the bottom part of the couch was caught on one of the legs. Attempting to fix it, his eyes widened when he found a heavy object lodged up in there. Whatever it was, it was something that wasn't meant to be found. So the fact that he found it, he decided it was worth releasing from under there to find out.

Once he reached under there and maneuvered it enough to pull it lose, he realized that it was some kind of small thick black book. It didn't' look like any kind of book he found at a school or even on the shelf of a store but looking inside he found it had been written in. It held an irony that only a book could after what had happened in the past three days. It was black, a little morbid and a lot sad.

Taking a shaking hand, he opened it to the first page and tears sprang to his eyes. In handwriting he had since come to miss, read the words:

**If you were able to find this then good for you, you deserve to read this. My only warning is that it may hurt your feelings. I can't be held reliable if you don't like what you read so if you really aren't prepared for it to happen, turn back now. After this it is too late. If however you decide to continue on, I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never wanted this to happen but it's too late for me. I can only hope that whoever reads this understands. I wish this never happens to anybody even upon my worst enemy.**

**LOVE**

** Drake J Parker**

Josh couldn't help but snort at the part where it mentions understanding. He could never come to understand but then again he wasn't inside Drake Parker's head. Nobody had ever truly been allowed the privilege to know what he was thinking but then again it seemed too far fetched that Drake Parker, the most popular and strong headed kid he knew would keep something like this. He couldn't help his curiosity and after biting his lip, he changed the page.

It wasn't until after he did that he came to regret his actions. It was already too late.

**If you found this, it means I went through with it. I just know it had to be you Josh that would find this and even then you are going to be so pissed that I did this. It must be such a betrayal for you but you just don't know. I couldn't tell you for the longest time and now I know it's too late. Even if I want to tell you, it won't change my mind. I'm really sorry you had to go through this and that everyone has to suffer. **

**I remember when in kindergarten we had to sit around and introduce ourselves. It was much the same way at a new school or when we went up from elementary to middle school only different somehow. Kids could be so much crueller the older they get, but I don't have to worry about that here, only one person is going to read this. I guess that's why I'm doing it now. My name is Drake Parker. I'm 18 years old and everything has been going great for me. That everyone knows of anyways. Nobody could truly be inside my head right now and if they happened to catch a glimpse, they wouldn't want to be me. But I'm getting ahead of myself now. Let me tell you hopefully where it began so you could at least come to a small amount of understanding.**

**I turned eighteen June 27th and fell in love around the same time. You would remember Josh because it was around the time that I convinced mom and Walter that I didn't need some fancy party, I just wanted to spend some time around some of the clubs that I was able to get into now. Mom wasn't too ecstatic but with you promising that I'll be okay I knew she was gonna break. Walter even helped convince her and I have never been so happy.**

**Remember the club on Eighth Street Josh? It was really nice of you to come along even though Walter knew you weren't eighteen yet until November. You did get in though and that's the best part. I didn't say this a lot and now I'm really regretting it but I'm glad that you're my brother. I couldn't have anybody else. Nobody else would have made this so hard to write and even now I know this is the day that will change our lives forever.**

**It was the day I realized that mistakes weren't always something you could take back and one thing no matter how small it is could make something so bad that you lose who you once were. **

**I think you are quite surprised Josh. I always was smart but it had to take the right motivation. I never really thought I'd need that motivation but things change and so did I. Did you know that night that I didn't only have the best birthday ever but I also fell in love? Not only did I fall so deeply but I was glad that she was nice to you as well. I remember not believing you about Susan and looking back I know how stupid I was. **

**I just wanted to apologize for all those times I had gotten us into those kinds of stupid situations Josh. I should have been smarter and I should have owned up to my mistakes. No matter what I never meant to hurt you and I know I have. I'm going to. I'm going to kill myself and nobody will ever know why. **

**I understand if you don't want to continue with this Josh but if you decide you want to after this you can. I'll start from the beginning and I won't leave anything out. I know I'm not normally honest but I'm going to be absolutely one hundred percent honest in this and I promise that I won't omit anything out no matter how small it may seem. It's the small things that could lead such an effect that change our lives Josh. I realize that now and it's too late for me.**

**I just hope you don't blame yourself for my fatal mistake.**

"Josh dinner is ready!"

Josh quickly wiped the tears from his eyes, tearing himself from the very thing in which Drake put all his thoughts, feelings, and later, his dark confessions that he kept away from everyone. Everyone would wonder what was going on and Josh had no idea why. He had no idea what to expect until now. And he ran downstairs without a second thought to keep their mom from worrying. He didn't want anyone to worry and then he would be left alone later so he could decide whether he wanted to continue with the book, the truth of what happened to cause Drake to take his life.

He just wasn't sure if he wanted to know.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

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Chapter Three

Josh wondered if he really wanted to go upstairs again. First of all he had the memory of Drake without actually having his brother. Second there was the book and he was really dreading what he could actually find out. There was no way Drake could have ever been unhappy. For Drake to tell Josh through the book that he not only made a mistake that changed everything but that he had hid how unhappy he was, Josh found that he had failed him in a way he never had before. He wished that he could go back and beg him to talk to him, to tell him what was happening so that Drake knew that somebody had cared. Now he was stuck with no way of knowing if it was because of him or because he didn't take the initiation to care. He hated that so much.

He was at the top and was about to go towards there when he was stopped by a small voice.

"You coming tomorrow?"

Josh looked over at Megan and wanted to tell her he wished it would be different and that he knew that things would be different but they weren't.

"I don't know yet. He can't hear us and he won't ever regain function. He isn't actually amongst the living anymore Megs."

"I know that," she answered rather softly. He never saw her more vulnerable. "It's just that I have this hope that Drake would wake up and if not, I wish they'd diagnose it already so we can say one way or the other."

She paused to wipe a couple tears away and Josh truly found himself wondering again how Drake could have done this. He was causing everyone to cry. He couldn't stand that and Megan was always so strong.

"I really want him to wake up and come home but I guess that's not gonna happen. For once I guess I'm not getting my way," Megan told him.

Josh could only stare as she walked to her room and slammed the door. He turned and hesitantly walked back into his room, shutting the door behind him. It was his room now. It took some getting used to after realizing that it had been theirs for a good three years now. He still found himself saying that and he always lost interest in the conversation afterwards.

He walked back to the couch and picked up the book that held all of Drake's dark secrets, his dark confessions that led to what had happened. He bit his lip before deciding he couldn't live not knowing and opened it to the page he left off.

Okay this is going to sound a little boring but my teacher stated that this would be a good thing to do over summer break and hey, I'm not one to say a teacher is right but I need to vent somehow. We were told to leave the first couple of pages blank so that we could fill it in a year later and see where we see ourselves then.

Josh paused to see if he could see those first two pages and saw that Drake used it as an introduction to explain that he was leaving the book and why. He also used it to explain how he came back later and wrote those pages in. This paragraph was the only thing he had written for months and now it looked as though Drake didn't think of erasing that. Josh couldn't help but think that that was at the point that Drake was so happy with his life and felt that something happened and that something wasn't good at all. It made his heart drop just thinking about it but he continued on.

**So I promised that I wouldn't leave anything out and that starts with the beginning. Every story has a beginning but nobody hardly ever hears about it because they normally only care about the ending. This beginning starts with the party where I met 17 year old Hannah Snow. She was a great girl like I knew she would be. Hannah had such long brown hair and blue eyes. The way she held herself when I first met her Josh, I just knew she was different than any girl I had ever met. I couldn't even begin to use the normal moves I would with a girl and even stuttered a few times through. Me? Drake Parker the most popular boy in our school actually stuttered! I know you were thinking it Josh but I couldn't help it. I liked her a lot even then.**

**We talked all night and she gave me her phone number. Before I continue I feel like I need to put this out there. Hannah's dad died when she was a baby. Her mother was stuck raising her and she was just a kid herself, only 19 years old. She was going to a good high school even though she wasn't going to mine but I didn't care. I swore that day that I wouldn't change anything about myself but I would try to be more patient and understanding. I don't know what love is even though I know the idea of it. What you might not understand Josh is that even now I don't truly know the feeling. I think I should but whatever.**

**She gave me her phone number that night and told me to not hesitate to call her. You may not recall it but I was on cloud nine when we got back to our room and you had snorted at the time like the very idea of being happy over a girl was stupid. I should have listened to you Josh. I should have realized that there was no reason that I would ever hold a girl and you should have told me how much pain it'd be to fall so hard for someone. I think even if you tried though it would have been too late. I thought nothing could go wrong.**

**What a mistake I made right? I was burned the moment I met her.**

Josh quickly stuck a piece of paper in the book and put it down on the table like it was something hideous. It was. It had the answer to what had happened to Drake. Why he had gone so downhill this whole year starting this summer. He didn't even get the chance to experience things outside of high school. It was so unfair, Josh thought. Something was finally going good for Drake and even then it wouldn't last. He sighed and looked at the time. He really didn't want to go back to school but he knew he had to and mom wasn't going to take no for an answer. It was a little after twelve anyhow and deciding with a sigh that he should go to bed, he wondered if tonight he would be able to sleep without the dreams. Dreams that seemed so real he would want to wake up only to find out that those were all it had been.

This was his nightmare right now. And there was no escaping it.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

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Chapter Four

It was four am and even though he knew he had another couple hours before he was supposed to get up for school, Josh found he couldn't sleep. He had to know the reason. He guessed he could skip to the back but then Drake was honest about everything for the first time that he knew him and he knew it would be a waste not to read the whole thing. This was what was left of the brother he once thought he knew.

He sat up and went over to grab the book, turning on the nearest lamp and sitting on the couch. He only opened the book after much deliberating and delved into the next page. The very reason Drake would explain why he had come to do what he did.

**I'm sure you're saying that a girl can't be the very reason I did what I would later come to do. I know. It was a start though. Hannah Snow was a special girl and she wasn't bad nor was she really dumb either. She was a senior in high school and she was talking about transferring to Belleview High as well. It helped me who really thought it would be a mild annoyance borrowing the car when you were at work to go to the other side of town. We would never see each other much. **

**But then that too became the least of our worries.**

**One evening in early July I was convinced to go to her house. It was a night that her parents were out of town. She greeted me at her door that night with a simple pink skirt that went mid thigh and a flowery shirt. What got to me though was that she was bare foot. She ushered me in and even though I knew I shouldn't of stayed since you were going to be calling ignored the voice of reason and did so anyways. **

**Voice of reason? Yes I could say that now after what happened next. You could say all that you want Josh but I did have a voice in my head telling me when I knew there was something I shouldn't do. I haven't heard it so much since my dad left mom and even then I pushed it back. **

**So anyways, Hannah invited me into her house and we talked. Funny you probably don't even think there would be much for us to talk about. There was though. It started with her letting me sit on her sofa.**

**"I got some nice lemonade if you want some." She told me as though she thought it would make things less awkward.**

**"It's okay so what does your mom do?" I asked trying to at least get a conversation started.**

**"She is a stock broker. In fact she met my step dad doing that and it may be really boring but she had to break up a fight between him and her manager. They fell in love sometime later."**

**I nodded but I still couldn't get over how pretty she was. And nice. I couldn't think of anything that I could be doing though now I know I should have just told her that I had you to pick up soon. That awkward silence continued because we just met and I was tongue tied. I never met a girl I really liked and then bam! I like her at first sight. I met her and I'm glad I did. Even now. **

**"You want to see my room?" She asked after a minute of silence.**

Josh paused in reading to go over what he knew was going to happen in that room if Drake did. True it seemed like a million years ago but I wished that he would have talked to me before he went to that girl's house, Josh thought. Would things have been different? No but at least I would know things like I did before this whole year came about. What was he thinking though? If Josh wanted to be truthful he knew Drake wasn't thinking. At all and that laid the problem.

**"Sure." I said after a minute.**

**I did walk up with her and I spent some time observing her room as I sat on her bed. She was sitting on her computer chair and it became quiet again. Her room was bare white with posters of all kinds of rock bands put together through time. Her carpet was a pale yellow and her bed was nice and pink. She used all happy colors and she even had trophies she had previously won up on the shelf opposite of the direction of her book case. I can't lie that I was awed by her room. She kept it neat and clean but she also did enough to show she lived in it as well.**

**I won't lie Josh. After a few minutes she turned to me and we began to make out. She initiated it first and I will spare all the details but I'm sure you could guess what happened that very moment. She even asked if she thought she was going too far with this and I shook my head as I continued to kiss her. I wish I could tell you it was a smart move and that I did what I wanted but kept cautious but I did neither. It was also my first time and I never thought it would come with the unintended consequences. **

**I still loved her though. As I just now realize I always had and always will.**

Josh sat back and wondered himself where this Hannah was when Drake thought it would be good to take his own life. Did she even wonder where he was or even care? He couldn't for the life of him know and all he had was a name and something that could never be taken back. If he gave her name to Megan he was sure she could find her but he couldn't say why so he didn't know why he would bother for now anyways. Maybe when enough time went by, he thought.

Enough time wouldn't change what had happened though.

He read on even with how irritated he was.

**When I came to pick you up from work later you were so upset. You acted like I just randomly forgot when in truth I remembered and came all the way from the other side of town. I said neither though as you took your place in the passenger seat. I sometimes look back and wonder if you would have taken to me differently if I hadn't been so accustomed to lying. I lied to get out of being grounded and I lied to mostly myself. But you had a good heart. You changed me from the person I was all those years back and who would have thought that when I first met you I wanted to become better? The irony kills me every time.**

**No not the irony, Josh thought. It was something else and you are trying to tell me in this little black book you left behind instead of a suicide note everyone else would leave their loved ones. At least mom and dad wouldn't blame themselves and Megan wouldn't cry, Josh thought tartly. **

**I had my music on and you seemed annoyed, more so than you have been all year and boy were you annoyed. When mom and dad had found out about the jail fiasco that winter we were grounded for three whole months! I never got the silent treatment as bad as that time around and one thing I remembered you complaining about the whole time was that you didn't deserve it and that you had a right to see Mindy.**

Well Josh you were right. You deserve a better brother and I'm sure you are reading this now and thinking no not like this. I know you don't know nearly enough Josh but you will. You still won't realize how much I don't deserve you.

Josh set down the book and quickly took a deep breath. No, Drake, he thought. I may have been mad but everything you got me into was one more time I was able to see that I changed too. Because of you I was able to stand up for myself, become a person that people were glad to see, and it was even you that helped my self-image. No Drake. If anything, I don't deserve you. But you won't ever know. After hesitating another second, Josh picked the book up again.

**"Drake I need to talk to you." You turned the music down to a whisper and I knew you were trying to make a point.**

**"Sure Josh but if it's about being late, I really didn't mean it-"**

**You cut me off like you normally did when it wasn't about that and you want to talk so I shut up and let you have that. **

**"We're gonna be going to senior year this year and you should actually be doing some school work."**

**I nodded even though you probably thought I would ignore that. As much as I hated to admit it though you were right. I wanted to pass high school and get the record deal of the century and neither seemed so far away right now.**

**"Okay."**

**"Okay?" you repeated. I know you were disbelieving of the statement so I just nodded.**

**You didn't want to believe me and I knew that if you didn't think I was serious I would just have to make you believe it. I believe in you and with some determination I knew you would believe me. Why didn't I just go with that exact plan you ask? More important things came along. Selling records became a dream and this unexpected thing came along. It was more realistic.**

Josh happened to look at the clock and saw that it was about time he was getting ready for school. He closed it but not before book marking it so he wouldn't lose the page. He just couldn't help but think that Drake Parker, his brother and the best singer he knew would honestly have thought at that time that singing and making records wasn't important. It was. And Drake should have pursued it. But unfortunately Josh also knew what happened before this tragedy occurred. And he found himself wishing to take back the last few months.

It wouldn't happen though. It couldn't happen.

That was just the reality of things.

And he couldn't escape it.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

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Chapter Five

Another day at school was just another reminder to Josh of the times he won't be seeing Drake picking up another girl. He won't see Drake sleeping during class or Mrs. Hayfer's and his exchange of "I hate yous" and "I knows". It would have been depressing if that was the only thing Josh was thinking about but it wasn't. Besides wishing Drake was here, he now had the little black book that had been carefully concealed until the day Drake took his own life. Sighing he was glad when the bell rang for lunch and stood up to leave when Mrs. Hayfer called him.

It grabbed his attention that she wasn't looking at him with the usual admiration she had for him as an intelligent student but as a teacher concerned for ones wellbeing. Josh tried to act like everything was fine but then again that was Drake's forte. He knew how to lie through his teeth and that was where the problem laid. He lied so well already that nobody knew anything at all, not until the day he had done it.

"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly like he knew she might be. Problem was he knew he wasn't.

"I'm fine. My little sister has been sick at home all week and I'm a little worried about her," Josh found himself lying.

Would he be a great enough actor like Drake, probably not but he didn't want to be. He didn't want to end his life. His parents were already so worried about him and if he did it, there was no way that they would be able to heal at all. They would never get over Drake's suicide. They wouldn't and Josh wasn't about to add onto it. He couldn't. He wasn't that selfish.

"You could always tell me if you have a problem," she told him and then sighed sitting down behind her desk. "This isn't about Drake is it Josh? He's missed a number of days already and I know he's sick-"

Josh cut her off feeling strangely void of emotion as he replied before she could finish what she was going to say.

"I'm fine mam. Don't worry about me cause I'm fine."

"Mr. Nichols if there is anything you need-"

"I'm fine but if I feel like I need to talk to somebody I'll take you up on your offer."

She smiled but Josh felt that it would have been better if someone had offered Drake the same thing when he was going through everything. Did someone? Josh would have hoped that somebody noticed and as for what it was, Josh just hoped Drake had gone to somebody. So many people could have caught it early if they talked to him and got past the mask although Josh didn't. Josh hadn't known and that was what was eating at him even now.

He didn't answer as Mrs. Hayfer continued to try to question him. He was fine. He wasn't in need of anything fancy and he wasn't going to answer the curiosity of anybody wanting to know. As far as he knew everyone was still trying to find out what happened and he knew that there were only so many days before some rumor spread and some version of what happened came out. He guessed when that happened there would be no choice but to deal with that as well.

He didn't know if he was glad that nobody was home when he got in or not but either way he didn't head upstairs right away either. He found a note at the table as soon as he got in and didn't know how he felt about it. Truth was he would have probably have gone any other time but he couldn't just bring himself to do it. Not now anyways.

According to the note grammy had gone as well and was quite irritated that he hadn't gone as well. There was no way of that happening anytime soon, he thought. Rubbing his eyes, he grabbed his bag and ran up the stairs two at a time and into his room. He hesitated by the couch but sat down and picked up the little black book, opening it to the page he left off on.

**I know I promised that I would tell every little detail but between July and August nothing really happened. Okay you caught me there Josh. Besides having dates here and there and falling even more in love with Hannah if it was even possible, I did nothing else. Sure I didn't go to her house again but we hung out places beside the Premiere as well.**

**So the next event I wanted to talk about was actually in the beginning of September like the second or the third. What I do know about that day was that it was the weekend before school started and I didn't actually have anything to do that night. You wanted to be nice and invited me to go with your friends. I almost didn't go. I didn't really feel like it but I did Josh. I don't know if it was because I felt that we weren't hanging out as much as we've had or I knew you were still mad that I got into something that was yours again. I don't really remember but I don't really think that would matter. It's a small thumb tack of the events I'm about to tell you. **

It was called life and you took a temporary problem and escaped with a permanent solution that affected us all, Josh thought icily. I don't know what could have caused this because I could never get inside your head either. You should have told someone. You should have told me. I should have known and helped you before it was too late.

Josh knew it was too late for all of those things but he still wished he could go back in time. He could be rid of the nightmare that he has been living in and just have his brother back. But time travel was out of the question and he doubted he would get the impossible. His brother was never coming back.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Six

**The weekend before the start of school I went bowling along with you and your friends. I have a little confession to make Josh before I tell you more. I never really bowled as a kid seeing as how mom worked many hours and my father was too busy to pay attention to his own two kids. It was surprising how much he took to Megan when he didn't want to take either of us anywhere. Forget bowling, there was a lot of things he wouldn't do with us. **

**Getting back to what I want you to know about this particular day, I let myself go with you and never really thought it would end well. I knew that in the beginning Josh and I think that's why I rubbed you the wrong way whilst we were there. **

**We got there a little before seven in the evening and who else could have met us there but your girlfriend Mindy Crenshaw, Seth Peterson, and Paul somebody. I can't recall his last name even now. Maybe it will return to me sometime but right now I just can't recall it. I don't even remember where you met the other two but I know that you all shared AP classes and that they were way too advanced for me.**

**We went into the bowling alley and got our shoes. A girl at behind the counter smiled at me and even though I smiled back I think everyone began to take it the wrong way. You know, Drake Parker is at it again. No girl is ever safe from him right? Wrong. I know I didn't tell you about Hannah at this time but there was no way I wanted to cheat on her. I mean we were together for almost three months and I would do nothing to jeopardize that, plain and simple. **

**So Paul looked annoyed for a moment before asking me, "Are you hitting on my girlfriend Parker?"**

**I told him truthfully though that I wasn't and everyone had a right to be polite. See I saw you frown at me and knew that you didn't like where this was heading. I stopped myself from adding more though seeing as you were unhappy and couldn't be blamed. You were trying to have fun with your girlfriend and and your friends. I was just invited to tag along. It was known that they didn't like me much but I told myself to try to get along today for you. I told myself that in my head and said no more to Paul who looked angrier by the second.**

You could have said something Drake, Josh thought. That was a big part of the problem. He never told Josh that day that there was anything but and just assumed that Drake was up to his old tricks. If only he knew. He knew he would be saying that a lot and that didn't help bring down the guilt of what had recently happened. Drake wasn't supposed to be unhappy. He wasn't supposed to hide what he was feeling. He was Josh's brother and he should have said something even if it made him sound ridiculous. But now it was many months too late. Now he just wanted to know why the normally happy and laid back Drake Parker tried to take his own life and may have succeeded.

**We went to lane nine I believe it was. I remember because one of the girls in the other lane was lane number eight and she kept checking me out despite being there with her boyfriend. Well, she probably thought I would be excellent at this game with all the glances she shot my way but let me tell you, I Drake Parker am absolutely horrible at this game. There I said it and I know I explained so I'll skip everything and just say that she was mildly disappointed when I got a gutter ball. Paul was anything but nice about it either.**

**"Are you sure you got the right weight? Well maybe you need a bumper lane to make sure you actually knock down at least one pin!" Paul said out loud snidely.**

**Now I know that was uncalled for but knowing that they were your friends, I held back. I know shocker right? But I really do care for you and your feelings and knowing that you didn't want to be embarrassed made me keep it all in. I think I even become pretty good at that too. **

Yes Drake you do, Josh thought bitterly. How was anyone going to know you wanted to die when you acted the happiest you had been all week. You even helped mom cook and she was worried about you. She thought that you were spiraling into depression and it turned out you already had your mind set on not living anymore. Death was your way out and you were at peace knowing you wouldn't have to deal with the thing called living for much longer. But was it really that hard? You had three more months of it and then you could have gone to L.A. You could have left this town and never look back finding friends that mattered. You had Hannah and I still wonder what part she played in your plan to end your life Drake, Josh thought. Even now I hesitate to find out because I'm sure she probably played the biggest part.

**"I've never really bowled before," I answer instead. I ignore the smug look on their faces and see that you weren't going to say anything to them even if I brought it up. I don't think you could have handled the embarrassment anyways so I didn't. **

**It was only into the third round of the second game and I know I wasn't going to be getting good anytime soon. Paul and Seth still laughed under their breaths maliciously whenever I got another gutter ball but I did hit a couple of pins miraculously but that is the last thing I would think of after my phone went off. It just happened to be my turn. I was up and my phone went off. Ignoring jeers that I need to take my turn first, I answered it knowing it was Hannah from the caller id. **

What did Hannah have to say to you Drake, Josh asked feeling dread at what it could be. Did she tell you it was over? Or maybe that she wasn't interested in you? Josh always wondered who it was he was talking up and Mindy certainly hadn't been helpful saying you were a big jerk for abandoning a game for a conversation when the phone should have been shut off. I hadn't said anything then thinking she was right but now… Now I wish that I asked and that I cared a little more because you looked shocked by all means.

**I quickly answered it and seeing them give disgusted looks made me roll my eyes. I was tired of playing their game. I got tired of it real fast. So anyways, Hannah was on the line and I felt it was important because she knew about where I was and she knew who I was with. **

**She instantly replied the moment we said our hellos with an "I need to talk to you." I knew something had come up so I smiled over to you and your friends and went to go talk to her where I could not be overheard and it wouldn't be so loud. Your friends had different ideas though.**

**"You have to take your turn first," Seth had said even though he probably knew I would do horrible anyways.**

**"Yeah D minus, I think you could at least take your turn before running off and talking to whatever flavor of the week-"**

**God bless the creature. She always had something to say and she always spoke her mind. I didn't always think that was a good combination but now that I think about it, I was probably just jealous. She fit in and she didn't hide who she was. Not that I was hiding much at that point but me, I know I didn't belong much in anywhere. All of my friends were shallow and if they didn't get their girlfriends pregnant by their eighteenth birthday then there was something wrong with them, which brings me to my phone call.**

**I didn't want to ignore them though no matter how annoying they were. So I said, "Maybe you could get me a strike then. I've been getting gutter balls all night and since you guys can play, take my turn and I'll be back for the next one."**

**Creature didn't like my smile at that point but Seth shrugged and took my turn. I guess it was because they did think I was wasting my time but that didn't matter. What mattered to me once I stepped outside was that Hannah was increasingly frustrated.**

**"I'm sorry Hannah. My brother's friends all have this problem and-"**

**She had cut me off and I didn't think at the time how she must be feeling. She was alone and when she told me what she did, I realized that I never really thought of myself in anything other than a player who went through girls like they w**

**"I'm pregnant Drake. I'm scared that mom isn't going to approve of it and I don't know what to do."**

**That definitely took me off guard. I knew then that there was one thing I was going to do and it wasn't going to be to run the other way. Immature Drake Parker would have done that but I cared about Hannah and I knew at that moment I was going to be a father. Fathers didn't abandon their family when the going got tough. I just knew I was determined not to be my dad anyways.**

**You weren't ever going to be your father Drake, Josh thought bitterly. You actually wanted to be a part of the kid's life and you only just found out about them. Yes it was a shock but now you did something your father had never done. You have taken yourself out of your kid's life permanently and there is no going back. Josh just wondered if the kid was still in the picture months later. **

**I didn't drop the phone though or act like a dead fish gasping like my life was over so I think I deserve credit. Anybody else would be looking at the heavens and wondering what the hell was happening to them but not me. Instead I held the phone closer to my ear as I heard her continue to babble on about not being able to handle rejection and she was always cute when she babbled.**

**"Did you want me to come over?" I asked just then and it all ceased just like that. **

**I know that I hardly have the right things to say and I mess up but at that moment I was thinking about the right things to say. Things that would calm her down and she could see that she didn't need to panic. I wasn't ready to commit to marriage just yet but raising a baby together whilst being together was something I could see. Maybe a little later I could see marriage but I didn't want to bring that up when she was panicking so badly.**

**"Would you?" she asked hopefully and I knew I would. Not because she was desperate and not because I felt I had to but because I knew even then that my love for her would have me doing anything. She could ask me anything and at that moment of time I knew I'd do it.**

**"Yeah but my brother has the car so-"**

**She cut me off with a giggle. **

**"I'll come and get you silly. We could hang around and talk." She sounded a little happier even though she knew this would change our lives. I think I was being a little too optimistic in thinking that everything would be alright at this point. I probably should have just dropped out and got a job. **

**I don't know what I was thinking.**

The future, Josh thought. You couldn't help it. You thought about things that you thought was helping the one you loved. He set down a book for a moment and rubbed his eyes. He didn't know why he was upset upon reading that. Maybe it was because Drake once again left him out of something huge and Josh who always could read his brother didn't notice a single thing. Sighing, he turned back to the book wondering if he should read more and if grammy was going to come in and talk to him about going. He didn't want to though and he knew in the last instance she was just going to sigh and tell him that it was his decision but they would love it if he tried to visit his brother. Everyone wanted him to and it was exhausting because he didn't know what he would find there and he didn't want to find out.

He picked up the book with new determination and began to read it again.

**I hung up the phone afterwards and went back inside to change into my shoes. I know you guys were pissed off thinking that I was quitting because of the back talk. I never wanted to come across as an arrogant asshole but I guess if you're reading this you must think the joke was on you. Drake Parker had more to him than everyone thought and nobody ever read into it until now. Now that I did something I guess you could say I wasn't an arrogant asshole but a selfish bastard. I bet everyone must be thinking that now.**

**Anyways that's not the point of this part of the story and I'm sure it will come up later again. Of course everyone was upset thinking I was just wanting to quit but it didn't matter. You could have said something else of course but it didn't change anything, I was going to be there to support my girlfriend. I could have given you more to go off on instead of making you assume I was just going off to make out with another girl. Not just another girl Josh, she just happened to be my girlfriend of two and a half months.**

**"Really? So you are a horrible player and now you're gonna quit and make out with a girl? Pathetic," Mindy had said under her breath.**

**"Really? We are going to do this?" I asked her and she glared at me. "I only came tonight for Josh and if you want to believe that I'm ditching him just to make out you honestly never knew me." I knew you were upset more than them put together and I gave you a look saying that we would talk later. Even though you bowed your head to avoid any more after that I knew you were mad so I just smiled a small smile and left.**

**I knew you weren't happy Josh and I knew you would cool off but not if I was there. So I knew I had to walk away for now. I would come back and I knew everything would be cool again. Was it? I couldn't say it would be. But I knew what I had to do was important and I just didn't want anyone to know yet. I'm sorry if you feel betrayed now but you would've probably told mom and I didn't want to return to school with rumors surrounding me so soon. Maybe after you all got to meet her was my thought. Turns out I don't think it mattered. By the time school came on, I bet those rumors would have been better.**

Josh set the book down and put his head in his hands. This was emotionally exhausting and he couldn't help what he was feeling. He felt like he had been a bad guy just reading what he read so far. He didn't want to think he had a hand to play in the decision of his brother and best friend but even now it seemed he really didn't know Drake. He felt like this was the true Drake that he had hid from everyone even his own family.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Seven

His phone went off in the few minutes that Josh tried to get his breathing to return to normal. Seeing that it was Mindy he sighed before answering it.

"Hello?"

"Josh. Hey sweetie, I know we haven't been hanging around much anymore but I think we should now. What do you think?"

He inhaled sharply and thought that there must be something that Mindy wasn't telling him. Something that she heard or found out and he didn't know if he wanted to hear it. He wasn't in the mood for company anyways and she just had to understand that right? He didn't know if he was okay anymore but he definitely wasn't impossibly sad. He was mostly angry at the events that have happened recently and anyone who knew would understand.

"I know. Listen I'm kind of feeling under the weather-"

"If you don't want to hang out with me right now you could just say so," She quickly interrupted him.

Josh paused.

"Okay. I just don't feel like it right now-"

"I understand. I hear Drake's in the hospital right now so it must be really tough. Nobody said what for but I see that it has torn you up-"

"Who told you that?" Josh demanded.

He didn't remember telling Mindy that at all. In fact he believed that the less people that knew about it the better but apparently someone else didn't think so.

"Megan. She said that you were going through a rough time with Drake and all. They said you were upset and that Drake might not make it-"

"Of course it was Megan," Josh interrupted again. "Because that definitely makes perfect sense since nobody else would have told you."

"I don't like your attitude," Mindy stated simply. "I understand how you feel but you have to-"

"Feel?" Josh felt like laughing. He knew it wasn't even funny and yet he felt like this was so ridiculously crazy that he felt like laughing for some odd strange reason. "You couldn't even begin to imagine Mindy. Drake's not just in the hospital, he's basically dead there."

He hung up before she could get another word in and turned back to the book.

**Once I got in the car she drove us around a while before stopping at the park. It was a beautiful park too. Not many people hung out there for a while but I was once told by my mom that this was where my dad proposed to my mom and also where my dad had found out that mom was pregnant with me. Smiling, I got out and opened the door for her, watching her features light up as I led her to one of the benches. It wasn't something I did with girls and I found myself happy to do these things with her. It was like I finally found out that it was worth it to be in one relationship and share all the things that I could share. Plus there was a baby now. I knew if mom knew now I was so screwed but I couldn't help it loving Hannah.**

**"I don't know how we're going to be doing this. I know its senior year but a lot of girls in my school find themselves dropping out after having the baby because it is such hard work. I know that I don't want an abortion though. I've been against it since I was old enough to know what it was."**

**I know that abortion was a topic that a had a lot of discussions on whether it was morally right or wrong and there was also talk on whether it was murder. People talk about whether it is even considered living and knowing that the kid has a heartbeat and it came from me, I hesitate because I never really thought this through. I never even cared to know about abortion and when people talked about getting one I just responded with things like, "that's cool" and went on to change the subject. Never have I thought I'd be having a kid though and that the one carrying my kid would be the love of my life.**

**"I guess we just have to think of our options. I mean I could get a job and-"**

**She interrupted me with a giggle. Was it obvious that I was in love then? Because I was so mesmerized by every giggle and every big smile that I think I just melted whenever she did either one of those.**

**"It's okay," she told me. **

**Apparently we only had to worry about what to do when the baby was born. She didn't want to make this a life changer until after we saw it after the birth. She then told me how her mother had thought about adoption when she had found out about me because of the pain of losing the love of her life. It only took one look when she had been born for her mother to change her mind. This was something that Hannah wanted to spare the next couple that thought they possibly had a chance of adopting a baby.**

**I was on board with that. I knew I could concentrate on my senior year of high school, graduate, and then find a way to support my kid. Even if somebody found out later, I knew it would be okay.**

**At this point I thought nothing could go wrong. Looking back I know the irony in that. Because from that moment on the only thing that happened was what I didn't think would happen. But it did. And nobody would even think it could happen but it did happen. And it happened to me.**

Josh didn't want to know what it was that could have been so bad that he even turned to other means to help ease the issues he hid from everything but he should have told someone about the baby. Even if he told just Josh at least it would be something he had taken off of his chest and one less thing that he stressed about. Whatever happened was so bad it more than likely killed Drake so Josh couldn't think; he grabbed the book and read on knowing this would be the beginning of the problems that Drake had to be facing.

* * *

School came without any other incidences and even though I know you were mad about bowling night, I was thankful that you dropped it and was nice to me. You see I couldn't stop thinking about the time last year where you took me out of your life for a couple of weeks and your life had definitely gotten better. What more proof do you need that I was always a bad brother? Anyways I never forgot about that and it turned out neither did anyone else for that matter either. I didn't know if it was pick on Drake Parker day but some of the football jocks, the most popular ones in the school thought it was funny.

Josh began to feel dread at what that could possibly mean. Those jocks Kevin Whitman and Eric Harris were jerks. They were cruel and they did anything to break somebody. It was worse when they were with Billy Joel and Adam Lankins. They were horrible beyond any means but people ignored them because they were jerks. If this event caused harm to Drake he wondered if it was because something else happened or if it had been something else. Josh would've never known but now he would and it scared him that kids could be so cruel.

It started at lunch. I know I was already pretty upset because first Mrs. Hayfer had it in for me again. I know you probably would say that she had every right but she gave me a detention many times before and put me in remedial English for less. The least she could do was spare me a couple of detentions here and there. She didn't and looking back now that all seems like a silly thing to be upset about because that was nothing Josh. Nothing and I was so upset about it. I was blind to the things I should really be upset about and I know in enough time everyone will know that I, Drake Parker took my life over something that is probably pretty common these days. They will share their laugh or ask why but only you will know Josh and I just hope that those who know they caused it could feel a tiny bit ashamed. They should feel really bad but I don't believe in miracles anymore.

So at lunch I was waiting for you but after a couple of minutes I decided that I shouldn't wait and that you were probably with the creature. I know you dropped what happened that weekend but it didn't stop you from hanging out with the creature over me but I wasn't bothered by it. She was your girlfriend and you were extremely happy with her. So I went to get lunch and ignored the stares I got from the usual table I sat at. I couldn't ignore it for long though.

Scottie was sitting there telling another person something that was making them laugh and even though I didn't know what it was, I ignored it to sit at my usual seat. Only someone was there. Not just somebody though, I realized. It was Chris Thomas, a kid that only last year had been suspended for underage drinking on school property. It seems pretty surprising that he was back from juvie but I ignored it seeing that all the seats were taken. They ignored me as well and normally I would say something but I saw that they would probably continue in doing so. I went to sit somewhere else when Gary Richards, one of my acquaintances appeared.

Now I know that Gary and I weren't well known as best buds or anything but I've always counted on him in the past and since everyone in my band was acting like I was not there, I thought that Gary would at least act decent towards me.

I was wrong.

"Hey how was the summer?" Gary asked.

I knew it was something in his eyes but at the time I just ignored it. I should have paid more attention. I should have known I was being set up.

"It was cool. So what's been up?" I asked.

Gary smiled and even though I knew he looked like he was up to no good he usually was. He just hadn't targeted me before.

"How's your brother?"

I was really getting suspicious. I mean was it something I did over the summer? I still played with my band until a couple of weeks ago when they said that they couldn't practice and I never found out why but this was getting a little too much.

"Yeah Josh is good too. What's up?"

You had a reason to be suspicious Drake. What did they do to you? Josh was worried that it was the starting point, a snow ball effect that was set off at this very point. Ignore the girlfriend that he fell in love with and the pregnancy that resulted surprisingly. This was the beginning of the end. This had to be it. If Josh could go back in time he would be there and none of that would have happened. He wished he could go back. He wished he could change everything but all he had was an empty reminder in a book that mocked him and made him feel like he abandoned his brother.

"Well I heard some things and I was wondering something?"

"Yeah?" I asked still leery of whatever it was he was planning.

"Well I know how much you love him. You even said last year that you were the world's worst brother so did you kiss and make up or was it all just for show?"

I was a bit mad at the childish way Gary was acting but I didn't think that my so called shallow friends would take his side either. They laughed and made kissing noises like it was third grade all over again.

"I'm pretty sure you're gay for your stepbrother. I mean who wouldn't think that after seeing what they saw. I bet you don't want it to be known but we're not stupid and we know Josh is in a relationship so you must be sooo upset."

I knew it was better to just walk away but I didn't. I guess I was never really good at thinking first but I said the first thing that came out of my mouth.

"Wow. I'm not gay. Dude, I have a girlfriend-"

"Yeah just overcompensation so nobody would find out your dirty gay secret. That you are in love with your stepbrother!"

I couldn't believe my so called friends even had the nerve to laugh at that. I wasn't that bothered by it so I chose at that moment that I would just walk away. Forget about eating, I think I lost my appetite after listening to all this. But sadly it wasn't over.

"Come on babes, don't cry. I could give you a kiss and make it all better if you want."

I quickly stepped back and left my tray on the table. Amidst the laughs I left the cafeteria. I just wasn't in the mood for such childish things but I was unlucky enough to get stopped by Gary coming into the hall. It was then that I realized how ever bad it was, I should have stayed there.

"Where are ya going Parker? You gonna tell Joshie? Aw! Poor little Drake Parker is gonna tell his secret crush that he was picked on. I bet he's gonna kiss you to make it better before he tucks you in, huh?"

"You're an ass Gary," I just told him before I continued walking.

I didn't stop until I was in front of my next class. I know what he did was wrong but I don't think I was much in the right either. I should have told him off and make him seem like the lousy jerk he was but that was all it was I guess. Just members of my band had wanted to find some way of making fun of me and they had found it by telling of that time I thought you would have never accepted my apology. But it turns out that their harmless fun wasn't so harmless either. I wanted to say that it was all they were doing and that they didn't mean it but I bet they don't realize how it affected me later.

Or even then, Josh thought closing his eyes. He couldn't tell me anything because they ridiculed him in school and in that instant made sure that Drake would never tell me a single thing. Good job guys. Good job Gary, Josh thought angrily. You broke him down by first making sure he couldn't go to the one person that he always went to when he had something that bothered him. Did you know you basically killed him too? He hoped they would but sadly enough if they had a heart they will be upset upon hearing that Drake tried to take his own life and most likely succeeded.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Eight

Strike one, Josh thought exhaustedly. That was the first strike he was sure of. It was taking away the ability to confide in anybody. He wondered with a heavy heart what these bullies were going to take away from Drake next. Would it be his passion for music? His self-esteem? There was no way it ended there. Josh exhaled loudly before picking up the book again.

**I wish that was the last instance I had to deal with.**

Josh rested his case but he didn't feel happy about it at all. He was so sure if those idiots hadn't done that then Drake would have told him and he could have done something about it before it reached to a critical level. But he didn't know and he didn't blame the bullies that hassled him in the cafeteria during lunch, he could only blame himself for noticing too late.

**The next day wasn't as bad at first. I went over to Scottie's locker and I was so sure that things weren't going to be the same but then he turned around and smiled. I hesitated before smiling back and wondered if this was all a game or something but I was so sure it wasn't.**

**"What the hell dude?" I didn't know how I felt about yesterday but I do know that I didn't like the jabs about me being gay. Rumors were spreading apparently now that I was indeed that and even some of the girls were starting to get suspicious because it was two and a half months now and I still only had the one girlfriend.**

**"We were just teasing you. Come on you would do the same right?" Scottie asked as though it was really something I would do even if it was cruel and I knew I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't, not like that.**

**"I guess," I said weakly.**

You should have told him that you wouldn't have honestly done that, Josh thought feeling himself going crazy. You wouldn't have gone so low just to tease a person like that and everyone knew that. You spread silly rumors that were still a little rude but you didn't mess with someone's mind. You didn't make people feel down nor did you destroy them. I don't know what this caused Drake but I think at this point I knew that you were already down. You weren't shattered yet, but they might as well have been the one there killing you that day.

**"So you really weren't feeling bad about it. I mean Gary was just playing. You know Gary though and he's never been serious a day in his life."**

**I should have known that too but I just nodded now because even after the fact I don't think that I would have liked doing what they had done on me.**

**"In fact let's sit together at lunch today." Scottie added and I found myself just nodding again.**

**Scottie nodded to himself and laughed out loud as though we were sharing in on something funny. There was nothing but nobody beyond us knew that. I saw you by the locker and decided to go up and see what was going on.**

**"What goes bro?" I asked you. I could tell you were in a bad mood because you wouldn't answer at first and when you did I knew I was going to be getting the brunt of it.**

**"What do you mean? You know before Mindy decided to get onto me for allowing you to do whatever or by talking about this so called rumor that makes her sound like she's dirty when she's not?"**

Josh remembered that rumor and he wished he hadn't been so angry with Drake. He was just venting like he normally did. Mindy had yelled at him for the rumor and thought Drake had spread it because seriously, they both knew that Drake was perfectly straight and supposedly seeing someone. It was just so fricking coincidental to Mindy that the rumors spread around fast on the first day of school and sure Drake loved Josh as a brother but nothing more. He just wished that he got the whole story now.

**"What are you talking about?" I asked but I'm pretty sure I already know.**

**"I know you don't love me that way so I don't know why it's a rumor. You don't do you?"**

**See I knew you were playing when you asked me that and I knew that a part of me knew it too. I just didn't know if I should tell you about the incident that sparked the rumors. I always told you in the past and it was on the tip of my tongue but I didn't. Instead I nodded and smiled in the way you knew I really would dissuade the rumor. You never really could tell when I was feeling anything but happy. Because the smile fooled you Josh. I'll say it now because it fooled everyone but mostly it worked because nobody saw it for what it was. They didn't see beyond the smile.**

** He didn't see it and neither did the rest of their family and now Josh was mad at himself not because he missed it but because he didn't see the signs. He knew he shouldn't feel guilty because nobody else saw it either but he felt he should have and he failed to take notice every single time.**

**"Well you did the homework for Mrs. Hayfer's class this time?" you asked and you know what Josh? I did it. I knew that you were going to ask and I felt that if I tried really hard this year, I was going to be able to graduate. That was the weird thing too. I turned my homework in and she actually looked surprised as did the rest of the class. You didn't though, you knew because of the talk we had in the car during the summer and I was glad. I was glad you didn't because I really couldn't take the staring. Even Mrs. Hayfer seemed suspicious but that didn't stop her at the end of the class day from her normal phrase of "I hate you". I'm starting to think she really does hate me though. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn't but I don't care anymore. I don't.**

**Because of what happened next was much worse.**

Josh dreaded what was happening at lunch.

**You caught up with me and I slowed down a bit as students exited their classes for lunch. I didn't know what you wanted to say but I did know you were going to spend the time with Mindy, Craig, and Eric. I thought it was actually great that you spent time with your girlfriend during lunch until I realized that you guys used that time to study. Look at me. I'm still trying to pass but I still take the time to criticize you. I guess that's why I've never been good at school work but at the very least Hannah was helping me. You should love her a lot. She's great but I will get to that later. **

**Anyways you smiled at me before you met up with Mindy and we went our separates ways. Of course you tried to invite me to lunch with you guys but I declined. No matter how much I'd be willing I knew that I and the creature never truly got along and you'd only get a headache. So I went on to the lunch room and was more hesitant than ever sitting with Scottie because I was so sure that there was no way that he wouldn't use that time to tease me like he had before. **

**I was wrong.**

**It was so much worse. **

**First I took a seat between Scottie and Marcus leery of what they were doing. I didn't think they knew that I knew they were doing it but they kept sneaking glances between one another and sharing knowing looks. Normally I wouldn't mind but I had no way to know what it was about. I pushed myself lower in my seat in hopes that they wouldn't try anything but it seemed to egg them on.**

**It was when I was poked on the back of the shoulder that I realized I was too late to stop what was happening. Someone grabbed the back of my head with both palms and pressed my lips to theirs. It wasn't until that moment though that I knew what it was they had done. I just sat there in shock for a moment whilst they had their laugh though. **

**It seemed like a while but it was only a minute maybe two. I finally got up and headed away from all the laughter, away from everyone making fun of me. I knew that it somehow had something to do with Gary, I wasn't that stupid. Wasn't he just yesterday asking if I wanted a kiss? Never did I think though that he would turn it into a practical joke. Before I could leave though, Gary called out to me.**

**"Hey Parker!"**

**I knew I shouldn't have turned around but I did. I knew I just should have kept walking and not give them what they wanted either. I did neither as I turned around and waited for him to tell me what he wanted.**

**"Hey Parker! Since I gave you a kiss I hope you feel better! You better thank me later. Maybe you could kiss me back next time huh?"**

**I was done after that. Done with their games and done with their questionable friendship. I realized that if they were doing this then they really didn't think much of me or I could just be thinking about this because you made me over think things Josh but either way I couldn't stand being made into a joke twice in two days. I know I still had the look of disbelief on my face and I didn't know how long I would be shocked by what my so called friends did but I knew I wasn't staying in school for the rest of the day. I couldn't. So I went home.**

Josh flung the book down and leaned back in shock. It wasn't enough that those same ones stole away his ability to tell Josh what was going on, but they also humiliated him in front of his peers. He never thought this would happen to Drake but only two days in his last year of high school and he wondered how he didn't think of dying so much sooner. He actually was thankful that Drake didn't think of it sooner and just wished he didn't at all.

No he was deeply ashamed now. He remembered that day well. Mom and dad were onto Drake for skipping school; supposedly the principal thought it would be okay to remind their parents that Drake shouldn't miss too much school this year if he planned to graduate. They grounded him for a week and a half and if that was bad enough then Josh had to go and tell him that Drake should stop slacking and actually try to do something productive. He would have been better off telling him to take a bottle of pills because if he wasn't already starting to hate life, he probably started then.

Josh didn't stop it and there was nobody that tried.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Nine

Josh knew that his parents were home and let out a very slow breath. Drake had left him an explanation and a part of him was glad that he now had a reason to blame himself but another part just wished that Drake would have explained it just as well in a suicide note. Now he was getting to know the real Drake he should have known all along and he was getting to the point of hating himself for not seeing everything.

He needed a breather and even though he knew grammy was down there and would most likely talk to him about things he didn't want to think about. He ran into Megan and her tear streaked face towards the bottom of the stairs and he just had to ask.

"What's wrong with you?"

"As if you would know!" Megan shouted and even though she wasn't pranking him anymore he still jumped at the volume of her voice.

"Megan I don't know why you're mad but-"

"But nothing! You are being mean to everyone and ignoring what you don't want to be real! Yeah I get that our brother was your best friend but is it really the best thing for both of you to just ignore him like he doesn't exist? Fucking visit him in the hospital for Christ's sake and then you'll know what's wrong with me!"

"Megan I can't right now I don't think I should at this time and-"

"Oh save it!" She went to run up the stairs but turned around on the top of the steps. "By the way, mom is telling the principal about Drake tomorrow in school She says that you don't have to be there."

Josh nodded.

He understood that it was the end of conversation and went to continue downstairs.

* * *

He didn't want things to be different but sadly enough they seemed to be just that. Everyone at school the next morning was upset and Josh didn't need a second guess to know what was causing the mood. In fact that very morning he had walked into his calculus class and took a seat everyone had acted normal. Josh knew he could have stayed home though and very much wanted to but he wasn't going to miss school. He couldn't afford to and no matter how much he thought about just skipping for the day, he couldn't bring himself to stay home with that little black book.

It was when the teacher walked into the classroom of calculus class and told everyone the news that Chris Thomas turned a sickly green color and jumped out of his seat, leaving the class behind to gasp in shock at sudden news of a student that most likely died in their midst. But more shocking than Chris Thomas's surprising show of not being able to stand being in the classroom that period was the subdued people that Josh knew had poked fun at Drake once upon a time. They even kissed him on the mouth to try to deepen the rumors that he was gay.

Chris was waiting for him though surprisingly when he made it to the edge of the table to eat something, even if he hadn't the appetite for it.

"Is Drake okay?" he asked worriedly and Josh raised an eyebrow. He was pretty sure that Chris was upset about the incident but he had no idea of knowing what he could have possibly done to have caused him to look so nervous.

"Why would you want to know anyways?" Josh asked. "I heard that you were almost expelled a couple of months ago. Shouldn't you be worrying about graduating?"

Chris looked so small at that point that Josh hated what he did next but even more than that, he felt that Chris was the guilty standby in the merciless teasing that Drake had suffered through. All it took was one person even if it wasn't Josh and he'd still have Drake here with him today.

"I guess I was a little upset." Chris shook his head and dropped into a seat beside him. "You remember Gary? Not the member of the band but the acquaintance?"

Josh nodded.

How could he forget? He wanted to put a fist in his face for doing what he had done and even now he knew he couldn't control himself if he saw that guy around. Oddly enough he seemed to find himself very lucky that he hadn't run into Josh as of yet.

"He dropped out of school. I know it's hard to imagine but he had this job and everything, his cousin Greg had originally offered it to your brother and he had accepted, who knows why, but he did. They got along for a couple of short months but whatever it was, he quit and Gary went on to help. I was there when he was working man. We didn't know this was going to happen. Oh man. Drake is in the hospital and I'm sounding like a whiny girl but could you just tell Hannah that I didn't mean to call her an ugly slut?"

Josh dropped his spoon and went forward before Chris could stop him, grabbing his shirt. He knew the kid had something to worry about but he had no idea what it was. Why was Hannah being brought up now? If he remembered anything Drake did bring a girl around but she looked so far from pregnant that he didn't know specifically if it could have been her. He wished he remembered but it seemed so long ago.

"How in the world did you know Hannah?" Josh asked releasing him.

"Well Hannah came by a couple of times. She had that little baby bump and she would always hang around with Drake on the nights he would be working. Greg actually seemed to really like her as well. They said something about a double date with his girl Lisa."

Josh knew he didn't know that much and left the table before Chris could continue. He didn't want to find out later that something bad had gone down between him and Drake. He didn't think he could take it. He was learning so much fucked up shit about all the kids that he had previously known as sweet individuals and if not he never knew they were that bad. Until now. How many lives were the confessions that Drake left behind going to hurt?

Josh was sure that not even he knew.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Ten

Josh got home right around four and ran up the stairs two at a time, not even bothering to see if there was anything to eat. He jumped to the couch and picked the little black book back up. As sad as this was, reading this was what he had been doing lately. He felt a connection however small and he knew he should finish this to know more of what went on so he could understand. When he came to the ending though, he didn't know how he would feel. He just hoped that Drake didn't suffer much even though he was sure he had.

**I got grounded for the little stunt of coming home when I should have been in classes. Apparently the principal suddenly felt that he had to remind everyone that the students and faculty in this school were very important to him and finally started to crack down. I didn't really care at the time. **

**So I got this job and I don't think mom was very thrilled thinking it took the time away from actually studying this year but she let me do it. There was this place that Greg Sherman worked at. It was a little place near the new floral shop that opened up weeks ago and basically it was a small diner and a lot of people came there especially in the evening since it was a quiet small place that never had any disturbances. There I would see Chris Thomas again but he didn't really bother me so I did the same. It wasn't like I was worried about him planting one on me because he didn't look up the entire time nor did he ever really care what was going on. So I didn't care. **

**Then my girlfriend came over one night to visit.**

**"This is actually pretty nice," she commented friendly. **

**I smiled as Greg came around curiously.**

**"What's a pretty girl like you doing here all alone?" he asked.**

**Greg had cropped brown hair and hardened golden brown eyes. He seemed rough and would like you to believe it but he was really very nice and everyone was just weary because he had several tattoos. I could tell he was flirting and probably didn't realize that she was obviously not interested so I cut in quickly.**

**"This is my girlfriend Hannah."**

**He looked dumbfounded for a second and then he laughed out loud before turning away. I didn't think he was happy with the turn out because everyone could see that Hannah was a very beautiful girl. Why she was with me everyone could guess but it would probably all be wrong. I didn't even know what she saw in me but at the time I was led to believe that she loved me as much as I loved her.**

**"So what brings you here?" I asked.**

**She smiled and gave me a peck on the lips, quickly placing a bag on the counter and motioning for me to open it. I looked at her and since she was waiting, I did just that. It was a little shirt that as soon as I saw the tag I knew what it was but it was cute. It was light pink in color and had a purple heart on the top right corner. It read the words daddy's girl in bright purple as well. It made me half wish for a little girl now but of course I really only wanted the baby to be healthy.**

**"This is really cute. Did you get this knowing it would be a girl?" **

**She looked happy then and I figured she still didn't know though because I'm sure she would have called me up. Admittedly I wasn't able to make the first appointment due to the fact that I hadn't been able to get out of being grounded that day but giving me the cd of the baby was still great. I loved it and I loved the baby that I hadn't even met yet.**

**Yeah and you never will meet this baby now, will you Drake, Josh thought. He still didn't know but he was sure that the baby hadn't been born yet. He wished he knew and then he could go over and talk to her. She was a big part of Drake's life at the time and she would know how he was like better than he would.**

**I placed the shirt over her stomach and she smiled even though it wasn't even showing much as of yet. The only place the baby was visible was a tiny bump and to see it the shirt had to be pulled up. **

**"Yup I bet it's a little girl," I told her.**

**"You bet it. Okay so when it's a little boy I get to name him." She told me with a wicked glint in her eyes. She loved to play around and that's probably why she loved us hanging out. She didn't have to worry about parents or about being a pregnant teenager in her last year of school. All she had to do was be herself when she was with me.**

**Chris was hanging off to the side and he seemed rather irritated at me so I smiled apologetically and went to go back to work when he said it.**

**"I'm sure that an ugly slut like her could use a guy like you right?"**

**I pause and glance to see her shocked. I quickly shook my head and turned back to see that he had turned and was no longer paying attention to us.**

**"Ignore him. It's a big lie and people are going to have their own opinion even if it is rude."**

**She nodded but I could tell she had been greatly upset that she was called that. She had been called that when some of the kids had found out in her own school as well. Her mother was talking about withdrawing her and having her homeschooled until the baby was born and now I thought maybe it was better that way although I didn't want her to be hurt.**

**"It's fine and I know that," she quickly said giving me another kiss. "I love you."**

**I think I was in cloud nine again Josh. I didn't say those three words before because I was afraid that she either wouldn't say them back or she would've thought I said it too early. Now that she said it though I knew that I could say those words back.**

**"I love you too."**

Josh paused and waited until he was sure no one was coming to his room. He knew it was probably Megan going up the stairs and felt bad for her. She was going to school now and she didn't want to go. He knew she didn't and yet their parents were telling her it was going to get easier the more she let herself go there. It wasn't though. It was because she didn't have to worry about Drake being in her classes. She was still in middle school though. Turning to the next entry he knew it would be bad because Chris pops up again.

**Chris didn't seem to like my girlfriend. **

**She came by a number of times giving me brownies her mom had made for me and all kinds of stuff that she was learning to bake herself. The more the pregnancy progressed I think it became more obvious we were going to keep the baby and try to let this work. The days I worked at the diner were great. It was filled with soft laughing people and any one of those interested in finding out the finer parts to do out here. By then it was nearing Halloween and the conversation all around turned from their daily rituals to what they were gonna do for the holiday coming up.**

**"What are you doing Drake?" Chris had asked on the given day making me look at him in surprise. He was always so quiet that he was usually in the background. It seemed like something he did and I didn't know whether he wanted to fit in or if it was something else.**

**"Probably hanging out with my girlfriend," I answer truthfully.**

**"Yeah because that's gonna be fun!" someone retorted.**

**I wondered if it was only funny to them because my girlfriend also happened to be pregnant. I didn't care because it was some guy that was working there for years and he never seemed to have a girlfriend but he was okay on talking bad about somebody else who did.**

**"I'm actually taking her home to meet my parents," I kept going.**

**I should have stopped. But just like in the cafeteria at school where I couldn't keep myself from doing something I did it again here. I should have learned but I obviously didn't. The older guy scoffed like what I was saying was a piece of garbage and then turned away. I didn't know what I did to offend the guy but I was already avoiding certain spots at the school so that the same thing didn't happen but now it seemed there were certain people I couldn't escape.**

**"Why don't I show you what you're missing out on sugar plum," he told me.**

**I didn't realize what he was doing until the older guy did it. He pushed his mouth against mine amidst cheering and tried to push my mouth open with his tongue. I refused and he broke the kiss to shrug. He acted like it was a big deal even though it meant a lot in reality and I didn't want him acting like he could make unwelcoming advances towards me like that.**

**"Well don't act like a baby just because you didn't like it. I thought you did because Chris was telling me how you let another boy kiss you. Thought you would like it but I'm wrong. Tell me when you are ready to join the big boys' league and ditch the pretty little girl."**

**I just tried to wipe it from my mouth with my hands, shuddering at the idea that he thought I was into that. I turned to Chris who wouldn't even look my way the rest of the night and I could only wonder why he told that guy. I didn't know him and I don't think it was the first time he told him that. I'm sure he was okay with it because it wasn't him he that was getting all of the insults. He wasn't getting assaulted. I didn't know how much of that I could take though.**

You should have quit or told the manager. Didn't they do something that sparked an assault complaint and Chris could have gotten into a lot of trouble Drake, Josh thought bitterly. But you were too much of a mister nice guy and you let it go. Come on Drake, do something, he continued in his thoughts. But he was sure he was being extremely foolish now because he was only telling that to a book. Drake was way past that and yet he was holding on and refusing to let the darkness take him.

But how long was it going to last?


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Eleven

**I didn't want to get anyone into trouble. I didn't want to make anybody feel like they didn't fit in and I especially didn't want to humiliate anybody to the point that they began to let go but it seemed that they were doing it to me and I just wished that they stopped. As it began nearing Halloween I quit that job and decided I didn't need it. Greg was a douche that kept hitting on my girlfriend and nearly all the perverts there thought that I was into them thanks to a little rumor sparked at my school and by Chris. Thank you Chris, I wanted grown perverts nearly the age of my father trying to kiss me and feel me up. If you don't get the sarcasm then I guess you really are the ignorant fool that I thought you to be. I'm sorry Josh that I took this all out on you. I really didn't want to but the stress was escalating and I'm sure you never even had to see the pictures they got out of it either. If you saw it though then I'm really really sorry.**

**Marc was such a jack ass. **

**He was laughing with his friends before pre-calculus class started and I didn't want to know. It didn't take long what with all the secret glances and their loud snickering to find out what I didn't want to find. It was a couple of glossy photos and it was of the kisses that were forced upon me. I had had no idea that at the time of each that pictures had been taken and if I had, I probably would have been even madder than I had. With face rapidly turning red in what could have been humiliation but I liked to think of was anger; I quickly turned around and tried to avoid it. I could do that all I want I also found but I couldn't avoid them.**

**"You gave both Gary and that guy a kiss, where's mine Parker?" Marc asked snidely.**

**I quickly put my hands to my face to avoid any unnecessary ones that they liked to spring upon me. I didn't know why they thought it was funny to say I was gay and do all these things to me just to spite me but it turned out that they had nothing to do and found that they were annoyed with the popularity I received. How do I know this? Marc then proceeded to tell me in front of the class that I have always been popular for my own good and that I broke way too many hearts. He also said that he wouldn't be surprised if I was gay.**

**I wondered at that time if someone was able to die from humiliation. No, I wasn't thinking about suicide at that time like it probably seems. I just wanted to get away. Maybe go to a different class that didn't have Marc Adams, Gary Richards, and Chris Thomas. I didn't really care about the rumors at that point and if my reputation was gone when those photos came about, I guess I had to say goodbye to that too but the one thing that made me feel worse than any of that combined was that I felt incredibly lonely and I didn't know what to do about it.**

Dumb, dumb Marc Josh thought. He wanted to go back to school and throw a brick at his face or something. Did he have to do that? Did he have to make Drake feel even more horrible than he already had? He and the others combined were slowly destroying Drake. He hoped that they were happy. He also wished he would have made Chris talk more about the things they had done to him.

But he was sure it was far from over. Nothing was ever that simple with them.

**I got home ignoring all the cat whistles and stares. I even had to ignore the half-hearted heated jeers that some of my peers threw around but once I was in the door, I slammed it and then leaned there heavily for a few minutes. I hated going to school even more this year than I had probably any other combined. I quickly made my way upstairs only to get bathed in oil and whatever stuff that Megan probably thought was funny in her stupid prank. What? She got bored of our small truce over Christmas and just had to get us messily when I wasn't sure if I could take it? I wiped a hand through my eyes and grabbed for a towel. I didn't know it would set off another of her pranks but let's just say when it was all over I looked like a powdery mess. No scratch that. I looked like a fricking brownie mix recipe gone wild. **

**Megan thought she had the upper hand but I don't' think she seriously thought she was going to piss me off. Not more than usual anyways. But it did bother me. And with her looking so smug in the kitchen I figured it best to glare and walk away for the time being. I needed to clean up and heaven forbid mom saw the mess, she wouldn't believe Megan would do it.**

No her prank didn't help, Josh thought somberly. Where was he during that time? He could only guess that he was studying over at Mindy's with Craig and Eric whilst it happened. And who knew that Drake was spiraling out of control? Nobody had because nobody had wanted to see Drake other than happy. It was another thing that everybody failed. Drake could have used one person to stand up and talk to him, make him realize he belonged when he felt so alone but even Megan didn't even see it and she normally could see as much if not more than Josh did. It was probably why she was angry with herself now.

**It was at dinner that I told them that I was bringing my girlfriend over soon. I knew our parents had a small Halloween party planned and I also knew that my mom was wondering why I was getting all responsible by wanting to get a job and all. Megan seemed to think it was funny but Walter had told her off and I was happy for that at least. I told them that her name was Hannah and she was a real sweet girl. You seemed to tune out when I started talking about her but then again I always talked about them in the past so you probably didn't think it was that important. Megan was mad but soon lightened up.**

**"I'm so bringing Brandon over then," she said and I could tell by you spitting out your drink that you were shocked just as I was. I didn't spit out my drink though. I didn't make my reaction known although you kept going on and on about boyfriends and how Megan was too young.**

**"Listen Josh your little sister is going to be thirteen and I think it would be normal for a girl her age to start liking boys. It's okay for him to come over okay. We could determine if he's good enough for you then but you're not allowed in any of the bed rooms closed off and alone. I don't want him getting you pregnant," Mom said calming everyone down and that instant making me realize that she probably was going to be very pissed when she found out she was already going to be a grandmother.**

Yeah because there wasn't a time that you didn't make her pissed off that she ever forgave you, Josh thought angrily all over again. The baby would have been a shock and even made their mother pissed off but she would have warmed up to the idea especially when you put your girlfriend so high on the pedestal. But no he didn't say anything and again nobody knew how Drake really felt, just that everything seemed to go okay. How were they ever supposed to know Drake, when you wouldn't tell them you were starting to slip and didn't know if there was going to be a time where you couldn't pick yourself back up? That you would let yourself fall when it all got too much?

**Well the Halloween party didn't go off as planned. We all didn't really care for our great aunt Catherine but it wasn't that bad. Hannah was there and her belly still wasn't showing as much so with baggy clothes even you were fooled. I don't think Mindy was dumb though. And Brandon was okay, I mean he didn't rub anybody the wrong way or anything but he was standoffish as well as nosy about everything. Hannah listened and I may be a little biased because I love her so much but four months of being with her and no single problems probably makes me entitled to it. She was sweet and she lit up every time she talked about something fascinating to her and mom simply loved her.**

**"So yeah I saw him at work a couple of times and it was a bummer that he quit but hey it's okay because he really didn't want to work there and I support that." Hannah said. I don't think I got the whole conversation but mom laughed and I looked over in surprise.**

**"I'm sorry you two it's just that before Drake was born I was always looking at his father like you two are doing with each other. I know you probably don't believe in love and all that quite yet but the way you two look at the other I'd say you two simply don't know how much you love each other right now."**

**I smiled and gave Hannah a small kiss sparking mom to giggle. I think she had a little too much to drink at this party and I think that she was reminiscing too much in the past. Hannah suddenly jumped and took my hand leading me away from the adults. At my questioning look she put my hand on the small bulge of her stomach and I felt nothing. She looked down for a moment before releasing my hand.**

**"I'm sorry but I felt the baby move," she looked around as did I and knowing we were in the clear, I kissed her. **

**After we broke apart I smiled over before looking down where the bulge in her stomach was.**

**"When do you think I'd be able to feel it," I asked and she shrugged.**

**"I'm four months which is sixteen weeks now so I'd think maybe five months and then we could probably find out what the baby was-"**

**"Only if you want to though." I blurted out.**

**Hannah nodded though and leaned forward to where her head rested on my shoulder. She paused and I took in the small hint of raspberry shampoo before she spoke up again.**

**"Let's keep it a secret. What's there to know anyways besides it being a healthy baby."**

**I agreed silently. **

**The baby being healthy was all that mattered to us so what would I care if I knew right now. The baby wouldn't have been loved any less and the baby wouldn't have been loved even more either.**

**"I love you." I whispered into her ears.**

**It was worth so much to see her smile. I loved her so much then and I knew she loved me. Kissing her, we mashed our lips against each other and I ran my hands through her body, stopping to rest them on her sides. I knew birth control wasn't an issue anymore but I was hesitant to do anything that would make her think I was overstepping my boundaries but she seemed to want it too. I don't think I hesitated nearly as much here that I did the first time.**

**It was even more satisfying to hear that "I love you too."**

Josh closed his eyes and pinched his nose. Now he remembered seeing her and looking back he thought she was pretty and very sweet. Too nice and too sweet for Drake it seemed like. She was shy and didn't seem to stick out much but reading what he did now he knew that she was good for Drake and she helped even for the time that she did because that day was the thirty-first. Drake would attempt to take his own life four months later.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Twelve

He didn't know why but Josh couldn't stand sitting in the room and thinking about what had happened where Drake would lay in their room contemplating suicide. He couldn't even bring himself to look in the direction where Drake would normally be playing his guitar.

He left the house taking care to leave a note to mom and dad to let them know he would be out and that he would be back later so that they wouldn't worry. Even though he couldn't stay there he really did not want to worry them even now since they already had enough to worry about. Tucking the little black book in his backpack, he walked the few miles it took to the park that Drake talked about in his book. He sighed realizing that spring break would be here soon and then he wouldn't have to go to school every day. It just so happened that Drake and him were planning to spend it together and now, now he wouldn't be doing anything. No, all he would have would be the thought of what could have been.

He sat on the bench and looked around observing the leaves starting to emerge from the bare trees. It was a beautiful park but Drake had been right too when he said that nobody was ever here because it was deserted. Maybe someday it won't be but the only memories this place held so far was the fact that Drake was here with his girlfriend talking about the baby and before that, his mom's pregnancy with Drake was revealed. Josh took the book out of his bag and turned to the page he left off. He really thought that he knew everything there was to know about his brother.

It turned out that he hardly knew this side of him at all.

**I didn't like school quite the same anymore. Sure I could have faked an illness and got sent home or I could have just not gone but I knew more than anything else that I'd be running from my problems and mom probably wouldn't understand. She was already stressed from her long hours at work and keeping up with the bills so I couldn't bring myself to bother her. She and Walter were at this period snapping at each other and I didn't want to be another reason that they fought. I didn't think I could handle it if they did that.**

Bullying so bad that you felt that you had to do all that you had and yet you couldn't tell mom and dad that so they could help you? Josh knew that Drake was sweet underneath all that he did. He had to be. He acted laid back and uncaring all the time but he just chose to dwell in the present and didn't worry about the future. Drake's motto had always been not to dwell on it because it was forever changing and who knows where it led. Everything you did changed the future for the better or for the worse and Drake let himself worry about the here and now.

Josh didn't think it was so great anymore even though he used to envy Drake's ability to not sweat the small things in life because now there was no future for Drake. Drake made sure of that and a small part of him wanted to blame himself because even though he hadn't pushed him towards it, he didn't help any either.

**I went to school like any other normal school day and it was terrible.**

**It's one thing to hear all the gay slurs and comments about anything and everything that had to do with supposedly being gay but it was another to be called dumb, fat, and ugly. I tried not to let it bother me because if I was fat, I was so sure that they were too. I was a healthy one hundred and forty five pounds last time I checked and I wasn't going to let them tell me anything different. Today just happened to be health assessments and it was during Mrs. Hayfer's class.**

**What went down during those was someone came in to measure and weigh all the students. They logged it in and apparently they put all the obese people in a special group to help them lose weight. Those under weight were counseled on how to gain a little more and those that lost weight in a certain amount of time when they were considered to have a normal weight were counseled for suspicious eating disorders. **

**The reason I'm bringing this up and explaining to you is because those kids kept calling me fat. I'm five foot nine and a half inches. Before today I knew I was one hundred and forty five pounds. I was weighed behind Marcus however and apparently I didn't weigh my normal weight. I was down to one hundred and twenty six. I think they were surprised themselves since several other classmates blinked before shrugging. **

**They weren't sent home like I was with a counseling notice that I had been losing weight rapidly though. And the calling me fat thing changed to teasing me recklessly about me somehow living in a car and eating dog food from a can just to get by. I didn't care about that anymore. When you call someone fat you may not realize it but that person becomes self conscious. That person then begins to wonder if you're perhaps not lying and when it comes to be known that not only were they lying but you are underweight, it doesn't make it any better.**

Josh wanted to know the list of people who said that to Drake. He knew it wasn't going to help him or his brother now but he still wanted to take a hold of them and hurt them so bad. It wouldn't help any though. Chris was already guilty for his part of what had happened and that was only hearing from the teacher that one bright and sunny morning that Drake was in the hospital. In fact it was weird that he seemed to know the reason why. Did they do something like telling Drake to just die or something? Whatever they did worked though because Drake wasn't coming out of his coma. Drake was most likely dead and these kids would have to live with what they did to him the rest of their lives.

If only he could show them this. If he could, they would've known what all their bullying did to him in the end.

It made Drake want to die.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Thirteen

Drake obviously hadn't shown the note. He hadn't because then their mother would have made sure he was eating more than he obviously was. It was another symptom that they had missed that he needed help. He didn't receive anything but the recurrent pranks Megan decided to pull and his mom telling him off several times a day for supposedly being lazy. If only she knew, Josh thought folding his hands over the book. If she had known would she have berated Drake as much as she had? He knew she was trying to get him to take school more seriously but at this point Drake was still leaving them in the dark as to what was happening to him. He didn't want them to know. Why though? Was he really that embarrassed that some bullies were getting the best of him? If so, he should have received help, Josh thought.

If Drake had that help then he would still be here.

**I hated school more than ever. **

**I didn't show mom the note because she was already getting onto me for my failing grades. She told me not to worry about a job because I should be worrying about passing this year so I could graduate. She kept talking about Megan and you Josh like it meant anything at this point. I just stared at her dumbly as she rattled off the reasons why I needed to apply myself and using her perfect daughter and son as an example of success. She didn't know that I hated school and she certainly didn't know what was happening.**

**"I promise to try harder mom." I just say.**

**She smiled tiredly.**

**"I want you to promise me you will. No trying. Do it and knock it out of the water park." She paused and looked at me through tired eyes.**

**Work really hadn't been treating her well.**

**"I will," I promise.**

Another lie, Josh thought. Drake didn't do better and it didn't matter now anyways. It was almost spring break and Drake had yet to even show a single sign that he was even waking up from his coma. If he succeeded in doing what he tried then his promise would be broken anyways but he definitely didn't keep it to their mom since he would have to go to summer school to catch up on what he missed now.

**"You do that baby. I don't mean to get onto you Drake but you need to pass high school even if you don't want to go to college-"**

**"I might and you're right. I should focus more," I tell her to her surprise.**

**I didn't really think she would believe me but her being speechless was definitely not what I thought she would be. I guess she didn't expect me to want to do something like that but at that moment I was thinking of my child. My child would go to college and I had to lead by example.**

Let's just hope your kid doesn't go by example, Josh thought bitterly. He looked over where the sun was setting and could only think about what had happened. Drake was trying. He was trying to hold onto life the best he could and the fact that he now laid unresponsive in a coma meant that something changed. He read on however because he still didn't understand what that change was. He knew when he finally knew everything he would regret it but he had to know. He had to know why Drake wanted to die so badly.

**That jerk Eric Harris was now calling me ugly. What a nice break from the others though, they stopped completely and Scottie was even sitting by me in lunch again even though I have since then stopped talking. I didn't say anything for the better or for the worse and yet I doubted that Scottie would pick up on my distress. Sure they all wanted to play some massive game on me and it worked. They just didn't think it was a big deal to dwell on so I didn't even think of doing that though I knew I was entitled too. They just didn't know what they had started.**

**"Are you going to eat that?" I was swept from my mind to look over at Scottie. He was wondering if I was going to eat. I wasn't. **

**I just wasn't hungry at lunch these days anyways and pushed the tray over in response.**

**"Dude you haven't really been eating at lunch, are you okay?" Trevor asked me.**

**I nodded although I knew that they wouldn't ponder it anymore. They didn't care and I think I was starting to realize that. Too little too late right brother? I wasn't going to let it go to waste though and if anything I slumped even further down in my seat. Marcus, Chris, and some others were talking loudly about girls. Girls were dating them left and right. They were even going as far as fighting to get to date them.**

**I never did that or at least I hope I wasn't like that.**

**Eric was there with them and away from his usual friends. He had been calling me fat and ugly for a couple of weeks now and the girls were always acting repulsed upon seeing me. I didn't doubt that for they were acting that way because of them and I didn't particularly care. Hannah meant the world to me and I didn't think they knew how much I loved this one girl. **

**I was falling asleep more during classes now it seemed and even though I knew I was sleeping at night, I just kept feeling so tired lately. I didn't know what it was but I knew if I told you, you would tell me to tell mom and dad even though I didn't want to bother them with it. I didn't want them knowing about Hannah, the weight issue, and now the sleeping? They would be really mad and I wanted to keep the peace if for a little bit longer.**

The peace? Josh was no dummy and he knew that Drake was experiencing depression. Even if those stupid culprits stopped they had no idea of what they had caused. Now that the dangerous school jock was involved he shuddered at how ugly it was going to turn now. Drake wasn't eating much, was tired even though he was well rested, and was losing weight. He was depressed and no one thought to see it. It went to show how busy mom and dad were but if anything him and Megan should have spotted it. If they had then Drake would've gotten the help he needed and he may not have turned to what he thought would help. If only's weren't going to help them now. Like Drake had said, it was too little and too late.

**Eric came up to me as we were leaving lunch and pushed me back into my seat. I guess it was easy for him because I was around one hundred and twenty six pounds now. He smirked towards me and I did my best to keep him at a distance even though I quickly found that I would rather get a beating in the head then to hear all these hurtful words.**

**"Hey fugly boy, how's it hanging."**

**I suppose I should answer him now right? I stayed silent and his smirk dropped from his face replaced with a frown. When Eric Harris is upset it is best to give him what he wants but I didn't particularly have a reason for doing just that. I just sat there and stared, waiting to be let go so I could leave and not have to worry about any more Eric Harris telling me things that cut deep. **

**"Not much of a talker I've noticed nowadays. I think it's because if you had anything to say it would all be lies," he continued. "I mean you never keep promises and now you are making people hurt. It will be better if you didn't look so fricking fugly kid but what could we do huh? You probably wouldn't look so bad if you didn't have girl's hair."**

**He smiled and walked on leaving me thinking. I hadn't had a girl's cut that was for sure but for the sake of what everyone was snickering about as soon as I walked into class I knew that I had started to believe it. I was fricking fugly like Eric was saying. I was probably not overweight anymore though and I think they knew that because they stopped calling me fat now. Now it was my looks. I think if I hadn't believed them so much, this incident wouldn't have happened and yet I did. I think I am at fault the most because I let myself believe a lie.**

Josh jumped and turned to see Taegan Green standing there with her notebook, folder, and pens. She was a pretty girl with green eyes and dark wavy short hair. He wished that she hadn't died it from her pretty chestnut color but he didn't think it was up to him anyways and she still had the beauty. She was a smart girl too and yet he hadn't seen her around school lately.

"Hi Taegan. What brings you here?"

She dropped her stuff on the bench and took a seat, staring at the pinkish sky before replying.

"I needed out of my house. I think I've been cooped up there more than I should lately and I just had to get out. I'm boring you though. I know you aren't okay so why are you not with your brother?"

He gaped at her before closing his mouth and gulping in a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. Taegan was incredibly smart and he always found it difficult to talk to her because even though she was beautiful, she didn't seem to see it and in fact was the most beautiful yet shy girl in the school.

"I don't think I can right now," he admitted. "I keep telling myself that I'll have to go there and see him eventually but I can't bring myself to do it right now. I don't know what I am doing but what's one more regret right?"

Taegan nodded hesitantly and turned to her folder.

"Can I ask what that is?" Josh asked.

She smiled shyly and laughed softly.

"I'm doing poetry for Mrs. Hayfer's class."

Josh returned her smile with one of his own. He didn't think that it was possible for her to be any more cuter but he was wrong. She was a nice girl and had never been Drake's type so he was sure she hadn't dated him when he was dating girls like they were going out of style. He didn't know if knowing Drake that way helped any but he was glad that Drake found love at least before deciding he didn't want to live anymore. True love was hard to find and even harder to hold onto.

"I thought that Mrs. Hayfer didn't teach poetry in senior year. I remember she did last year cause Drake did this little rhyming thing that ticked her off so bad-" He stopped himself from continuing at that.

It was true that Drake had done that just to tick her off but the poem he had gave to Josh had made him particularly ignorant of what he had done because Drake's real poem showed Josh how much he meant to Drake and that meant the world to him because it felt nice to know that Drake felt needed by Josh. Now though, it made him sad because it appeared that Drake's need for Josh didn't matter anymore.

"Well I'm doing these independentally," she said looking through the folder.

"I'm pretty good at it myself. What is it about if I may ask?"

"Okay," she finally said taking a piece of paper out of the blue folder held tightly in her lap. Then she began to read it;

_"This girl looking in the mirror_

_That girl is me_

_I try so hard to be_

_I want to be her_

_I see her staring back at me_

_I can't stand it that I can't be_

_She's so perfect, so pretty_

_Everything I can't ever be_

_I try to tell myself this_

_That I can just be me_

_But who needs that_

_When I can't be perfect_

_I'm only me"_

"That's beautiful," Josh said truthfully.

"It's just a rough draft. I'm going to make it better," Taegan promised.

Josh frowned.

"I hope you know you are great just the way you are."

Taegan nodded.

"I know and it's just a poem. I needed something to get off of Mrs. Hayfer's back. She is taking everything way too serious since the incident. She doesn't want another student to be in a position ever again where they think that the way out is the only option. Everyone is talking to a counselor and even then there's a lot of people that still feel that the incident was one hundred percent preventable."

"Yeah it was. It was called not belittling someone to the point that they felt like dying was heaven," Josh mumbled and Taegan nodded having heard it.

Josh sighed.

"Drake left no suicide note, he just decided to do it and didn't stop to think of how everyone else would feel," Josh started.

"Sounds like he only wanted to stop hurting," Taegan observed.

"He left me a book though so he could get me to understand but so far it's changing my perception of everyone I once knew. He was hurting so bad and I couldn't see it, I didn't even think there was a problem. I guess that makes me as bad as the rest because I missed all the signs-"

"Nobody's perfect," Taegan interrupted with a frown. "If you missed something it was because he was good at lying because I know if you noticed the littlest thing then you would have jumped up and made sure he was alright. That's what you do. He didn't mention me in there did he?"

Josh was thrown by that question.

"Please don't say you did something to him as well-"

"No," Taegan quickly replied. "I just talked to him about some things."

She stopped talking abruptly and Josh eyed her suspiciously. He had no reason to suspect anything but seeing as how she no longer wanted to pursue the subject he decided not to go on. She probably had nothing to do with his suicide and probably felt just as bad if not worse for not noticing when someone was suicidal.

"So you two only talked," Josh brought up curiously.

She nodded bowing her head.

"I don't want to talk about it. If it's in there you'll have a different perception of me but if it's not, it's something that Drake and I talked about. It wasn't like he was trying to feel me up or anything like that," she added to Josh's astonishment. "He just needed to talk and I needed someone too. He told me he had a girlfriend anyways and he loved her. I bet he was. His eyes lit up just talking about her."

"Yeah, she was having his baby too," Josh admitted.

"Yeah she was," She echoed in agreement. "I just wish that I knew too sometimes. If I had known would he have still done it? Would he have felt that no one cared? I hope he didn't think that but then the only way of knowing is reading that although you must be scared. There was something you probably felt you could have done to help his pain. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries-"

"No," Josh quickly answered. "I'm sorry if you feel that way but it wasn't your fault."

She smiled at him and although her eyes didn't show regret, sorrow, or blame, they didn't show anything else either. It made him wonder what could have happened between her and his brother but he didn't want to ask.

He didn't want his perception of her changed as well.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Fourteen

It was when he was on the bus that he noticed that she was a little sad. He didn't think that anyone had held anything besides guilt and regret so far but she certainly didn't hold those emotions although she did express sorrow. He saw that there was only two people on the bus and grabbed the little black book from his bag. He wanted to get this finished real soon. He didn't think he could get over the fact that there were so many that would act the way they did. Sure they most likely felt guilty now but did they realize at the time that they were killing a person with every single act? He didn't think they did and that their amusement turned sour, not realizing that Drake would actually want to die.

**I was home from school even though I knew I shouldn't have tried to pretend to be sick but I didn't want to go. Mom thought it wouldn't be so bad to try and go so then she could pick me up if I didn't feel any better. I convinced her to let me though and she kissed my brow before going to work.**

**I knew you were probably thinking that I missed school on purpose and I want you to know that you were right, just not for the right reasons. I slept until around noon and then went downstairs. **

**In the bathroom I thought about what they kept reminding me in school. They said I was fat. I was certainly not fat anymore. I think it was obvious when the clothes that used to fit so tight on me weren't anymore. They reminded me I was stupid and that's why I've been grounded, I was failing almost every class now. They told me I was fugly and that I should change my look. I guess my looks are the only thing that need to go.**

Josh closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There was no way he was going to do what he thought he was going to do. He couldn't, but he had. Josh remembered and what's more Megan regrets that day now with growing passion. He guessed if he were her he'd regret it too. She laughed and made a mockery of it and now Drake is as good as dead.

**I took the first sharp object I could find which happened to be the dull scissors that mom had been trying to get rid of for a while. Walter used it too much and I bet he left it in the cabinet. I took them and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I wasn't fat but I felt definitely ugly. I agreed that there was definitely a need to look different. So I took the scissors to my hair several times until I was sure my image wasn't the same anymore. **

**It wasn't.**

**I felt ugly on the outside now though.**

**And it was my fault.**

Josh didn't know what to think about that. Drake was moderately depressed and was changing everything about himself that made him Drake. It was something that he didn't want to think about although he knew he had to. Drake was always so strong and someone that Josh thought would be hard to break but it turned out all they had to do was take away the support nets. What did Drake have that made them react that way anyways? Josh always wondered since bullies tended to go for the ones that had some sort of vulnerability and Drake hadn't exhibited one of those in the past. He guessed he would never find that out though.

**I remember your looks when your mouths dropped as mom called me down for dinner. I wasn't really hungry but I snuck a few bites here and there to make her feel satisfied. Did she worry that I was under weight? No, she didn't suspect anything but that didn't change the fact that dinner time was a time for family to her and we have done it since Mom married Walter. **

**Megan burst out laughing so hard and I wondered if she was going to fall out of her chair at the ridiculousness of the situation. She had been playing pranks left and right so it was only a matter of time before something I did became a bigger joke than even the jokes she played. I wanted to hide but everyone already saw me.**

**"Baby what did you do to your hair?" Mom asked disbelievingly.**

**"Cut it. I didn't realize the scissors were so dull," I replied short and truthfully. **

**I didn't want to make a big deal of it but I knew I made a big mess and mom was assessing how she could fix this all. I wasn't surprised when Walter spoke up either although I could say I still didn't have the close relationship to him that I should have had. I didn't want one similar to that of my biological father.**

He didn't want you to have the same one as that of your dad, Josh thought. Didn't you realize he just wanted to get close to you. Be the father figure you never had. Now he gets by wishing to get the images out of his head. Was that fair what you did to him? Probably not but it's even worse when I think about it, it wasn't supposed to be him, it was supposed to be me.

**"Why don't you get a little change. Your hair was getting a little long anyways and I know a friend that could help-"**

**"I don't know honey. He did kind of cut it all in odd angles."**

**She had to go and remind me how much of a botched job I did. Walter insisted and I was kind of glad that he did. It wasn't the same that I was used to and it was definitely shorter than I had gotten used to it being but it was nice. That's the only word I could find to use.**

I think you were actually surprised that you pulled it off. It may not have been something that I was happy with, Josh thought. But at least it made you a little happy in the beginning. Who knows what you felt after they did what they had. The important part was you felt happy about yourself again.

That's all that has ever meant to me Drake. I wanted to you to be happy and healthy. Why'd you have to do it, why couldn't you tell me?

Josh knew whatever the reason and no matter what he found, it wouldn't bring his brother back to him.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter fifteen

**It was a different look and school was different. It always was but today I made people speechless. I never thought I'd see so many girls just stand there blinking rapidly before running in the opposite direction of where they had previously been heading to. I knew I did a good thing Josh, I knew that I was almost proud that I did what I had once thought was a horrible idea after it had happened but I had proven myself wrong. Guess it just took the right motivation.**

**I still ate with Scottie and Trevor even though I still didn't talk. When I went to shove the tray towards them, Scottie shoved it back looking over with a frown. My own frown deepened wondering if it was because girls were looking my way again that I was instantly considered popular again. I didn't want to be and I wanted them to just leave me alone.**

**"You really need to get help man," Trevor told me. "Every day I've noticed you don't eat. You keep your head down and let others call you names. Now you've changed your whole look. No matter how good it is, I think you should talk to somebody-"**

**"I'm fine," I told him.**

**I know at this point that I'm not. I'm not fine and the thing is I just wanted to appear to them like I had before everything started happening. I didn't want to look at them and notice the sympathy they shot my way. I didn't want girls to look at me and see that I was hot to them again. I don't know when I really started to dislike myself so much but it was reinforced later in the day when Mrs. Hayfer kept me after school later.**

**"Now normally I would just have you get this signed by a parent for your descending grade and be done with this issue but I don't think that's the problem Mr. Parker. You seemed to have been really trying and now it's like you gave up even doing that. You are doing far worse than you have ever done. You've changed your appearance and by the look of things, I would say you've lost weight. I'd say you have something that is bothering you Mr. Parker but you aren't normally bothered. So I'm going to ask you once, are you okay?"**

**"I'm fine."**

**I felt like this was all I was doing. If I could only convince myself of what I told them I would be better. Mrs. Hayfer didn't seem to buy it but then she always thought I was a liar. I guess this time I wasn't only lying to her, I was lying to myself.**

**"Mr. Parker do I have to remind you that the signs you are exhibiting are sending off red flags. Change in appearance, horrible school performance, and I've been told you've lost weight rapidly. Now I could just call your parents but I'm pretty sure that you would just lie. Once again though I am going to ask you, are you okay?"**

**I look at her and manage to make myself laugh. It was ludicrous that she would believe anything I say anyways but now I doubted that she would take what I would say without twisting it.**

**"Mr. Parker I want you to do well. You were at a B average in my class until last month when you stopped doing homework and you stopped interacting in my class. I know something is bothering you and if you ever need to talk about it I'm here. Just know that if you don't talk to me I think you should at least find somebody. Get your F average up and I will stop asking you if you are okay."**

**I nod.**

**"I'm fine," I repeat and unfortunately for me she just looked back with a grim smile and hard eyes.**

**"Mr. Parker I would say I know you a lot better than your other teachers would, wouldn't you?"**

**I nod hesitantly and she continued without missing a beat.**

**"The fact that you assume I'm just another one of your teachers and can't possibly understand anything I will say this once. I know your habits and I know your personality. You may say it's only from what I see and yes it's true. The way you've been acting this year isn't the same as all the other years I've had you in my class. I'm not stupid to ignore these red flags so I'm only going to say this once more and hopefully you'll get the idea. I want you to bring your grades up and not come into my classroom looking like skin and bones. Gain weight, do better in school, and just maybe I won't bring your parents in for a conference alright?"**

**I nod fervently.**

**"I promise Mrs. Hayfer," I tell her hurriedly. "I've been a little under the weather and I will bring the grades up. I promise and the conference is pointless anyways because I'm already grounded."**

**"Be as it may they will evaluate you for depression as well," she added smartly. At my look of surprise she let out an arrogant smirk. "You don't think I didn't notice. Really Mr. Parker? I've had this student that acted how you did and you know what happened?"**

**I shook my head even though I was sure I didn't want to know. I turned around placing a hand to my forehead but she continued looking back down to the papers.**

**"That kid isn't with us today because they had taken their own life Mr. Parker and if you think I will sit back and let you think you need to do that out of desperation then you are wrong. You don't need to think that life is hard, just get past whatever is going on or talk to someone who could help. You understand?"**

**I turn back and nod quickly, heading out the door before she could stop me. I didn't bother waiting for you Josh and I knew you were going to pick me up after the detention. Mom was probably pissed about it but she was at work seeing as how her car was gone when I arrived at home. I wiped at my eyes wondering how Mrs. Hayfer could think of me that way. I disliked what I was becoming but I wasn't thinking about suicide and never had the thought of ending my own life. At this point it wasn't in my head and I guess anyone wanting blame could blame her for putting it in my head. I think she really did hate me.**

**I went to go into the room when a bucket of milk and whatever else was inside there landed on my head, causing me to shout. Megan was standing there smug as always when a prank went on and I think I temporary lost it. I didn't know what I was doing and I wish so many times that I could take back the things I shouldn't have done. If I could go back I'd erase all the negative things about me and maybe I wouldn't be so messed up. I was so angry at this point and I think I reached my limit. I broke.**

**I'm just glad you were there to save me from my messed up self.**

You were mad at Megan but she shouldn't have done that either Josh thought. You did scare her though and since then she became leery of you. She jumped when you even talked an octave above normal. She was your younger sister who really did love you and the way you have shown it didn't leave much to imagination. Did Megan feel guilty about the pranks she did now? She absolutely positively felt repulsed by every mean thing she did but it wasn't her fault and it wasn't yours. You didn't know how much she loved you. You chose not to see it except when she had done something nice for you. It wasn't her fault and it wasn't yours. You both loved each other. It was nobodies fault.

Mrs. Hayfer tried to reach out and even though she brought up the subject it was you Drake that snatched it up like it was the only solution not her. She honestly worked hard and you hurt her as well. It may not show but she is stricter now, trying to prevent another student from ending up like you. She's not a miracle worker and she knew you hated her. Was she supposed to ignore it? What did you go through that was so bad, I am still finding it difficult to know except for the fact that you were confused, Josh thought. First they played a prank on you and teased you really bad and now they are speechless like they were before when you were popular. What went wrong couldn't have been that, but what was it? Josh didn't know but he wanted to desperately and at this point Drake were falling but it was like a trip, he was picking himself up so something else happened.

It's always something else isn't it Drake, Josh thought.

Because it always was but life got better and Drake wouldn't ever get to know that.

**You pulled me back before I could even consider hurting Megan and I instantly deflated. She decided at that time to retreat but not before a "I'm telling mom" came from her mouth. I doubt I could get punished any worse. You let me go and looked at me like I was going insane. I tried to keep my breathing under control even though it hitched a couple of times over the last couple of months. Christmas was approaching and I knew I wouldn't have to go to school for a couple of weeks at the most but it didn't change anything as far as I was concerned. Everyone was acting differently and I was more than likely messed up at this point. I don't know but I think I became bipolar or something. I started snapping at people just for breathing wrong during this time period.**

Josh bent his head forward and flicked a fleck of dirt from the page. The next one he went to was incredibly dirty and he had no way of knowing what it was. He hoped it wasn't what he thought it was but it was crusted and it was brown and by now he wouldn't have been surprised if this was what it was. He was just lucky he could read the words in the crusted and dried over substance. He was afraid to know what it was but at the same time he truly wondered if he would ever begin to know. Drake was really starting to go all over the place and it was obvious that his mind was racing in several places with this at this time.

He couldn't fault him though. He was hurting and there was no one. Not after what the bullies told him. If he went to Josh after that he was sure that Drake would have believed everything they had sooner. Would he have tried to taken his own life sooner if he had went to Josh or would he have been saved? There was no way to tell but he would have liked to hope he would have been saved.

It was better than this.

**"Drake!"**

**I didn't want to stay. I wanted to leave right then and there. I attempted to escape when you grabbed my arm and tried to keep me from escaping. Whatever I was escaping I didn't know anymore.**

**"What the hell Drake?" You asked me when I finally flopped over the couch. You joined me, lifting up my feet. I stayed silent and after a moment you continued. "Megan does that kind of stuff all the time and it never used to bother you. You want to tell me what is going on?"**

**I just shook my head. I had a dry musty white substance drying all over me now but I could hardly care. How long would it be before everyone decided they didn't care about my new looks and found something else to make fun of? I turned my eyes lazily up to you and you didn't seem fazed for once. You seemed frustrated, annoyed, and who knows what else but you weren't scared, at least not yet.**

**"It's okay Drake. You could tell me anything you know that and I wouldn't tell you off or judge you, you know that right?"**

**I just node and you sigh.**

**"Please Drake. You tried to attack Megan and even mom is going to wonder what is going on. She doesn't want you to think you could attack your little sister whenever you think you can and I agree. What the hell is the matter?"**

**"I'm fine," I deadpan.**

**I didn't want anyone to question me, for some reason it irritated me beyond all means. How could someone talk when it's always about something being wrong? I bit my lip and faced away from you so I wouldn't have to take the criticism. You definitely weren't playing that day though.**

**"Drake! You are being highly unreasonable and Scottie told me you keep giving your food to him at lunch and that you aren't eating. Is everything really okay?"**

**"Damn it Josh don't bother me!" I yell to hide the reaction of one of my so called friends telling you something I didn't want known. "Stop being a fucking ass hole and leave me alone!"**

**I jumped up being followed by you and quickly slammed the door shut, locking it in place. As you banged on the door I quickly turned on the shower to drown out your voice. I am pretty sure that if Megan wanted, she could have opened the door for you but I'm not sure if I'm glad that she hadn't. Sitting up and looking into my image, I found myself hating what I saw. **

**There were bags under my eyes and I've started to see the very reason why Mrs. Hayfer had been concerned. I had lost a bunch of weight and it must have been worrisome to anyone who knew me. I choked back a sob as you continued banging on the door and twisted my hands through my hair. **

**Everything was going so bad this year even when I thought I was going to be the happiest that I've ever been. I've had a girlfriend that I've known a little over six months and was going to be a father in four months' time. How could anyone not be happy with that in mind? I look back at the mirror and my hideous reflection and I began to wonder at this time how I could even think of being happy being me. **

**It was at this point that I found that cutting helped. **

Josh knew he had cut, how could he not know. When it got even worse it was found that he had been and he had even gotten a therapist to talk to about it. Josh wanted to cry for all the times he could have helped Drake. If there was a way to save him, he had missed it one too many times and when he was finally getting the help he had needed it was too late then.

He was already dead on the inside.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Sixteen

**Cutting wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Everyone in the media liked for people to think that cutting was painful and not relieving. Cutting stopped the pain by being very painful and not many people liked doing it because it hurt to do so. Others limited the amount of time they did it. Whoever was right didn't matter.**

**Weirdly enough I didn't think it was actually all that painful. I was cutting in order to be able to function and it was actually working. I was eating more, my irritating mood was gone for the most part, and I escaped from Mrs. Hayfer's radar. It was great I guess for someone putting cuts on their body but for someone who was bleeding themselves to prevent panic attacks it was all I had.**

You had me, Josh thought angrily. You had me and yet you turned to cutting as means to keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed with emotion. He didn't think he would ever understand and yet he loved his brother. He always had and always would but still, he wished that Drake knew he could come to him.

**I wore sweaters or long-sleeved shirts to hide the scars I left and Mrs. Hayfer backed off when I got a B+ on a test. Hannah smiled and didn't even ask the change and probably just thought it was getting a little cold since it was December. It doesn't really get cold in San Diego but if she wanted to believe that, I wasn't going to stop her. I just smiled and went along with it. As long as Hannah wasn't stressed, her pregnancy would continue along uncomplicated. **

**The baby was certainly growing bigger and I was in desperate need of cash. I know I promised I wouldn't worry until after the baby was born but it was like laying eyes on Hannah for the first time every single time I saw the bump. It was our baby that I helped make and it was amazing. I can't think of any other words to describe it and when the baby first kicked, I simply couldn't even find the words to tell her how wonderful it was either.**

**Yeah, you're probably wondering what I'm doing at this point. I wasn't thinking about suicide though. I wasn't even really cutting and Hannah had allowed me to meet her parents a couple times as well. I think it was obvious that even though we had an unexpected surprise spring up on us, we loved each other and we would love the baby just as much that it didn't hurt us.**

**Greg Sherman had a temporary job opening he wanted filled as soon as possible. Apparently he had someone in line to do it but they needed to give their two weeks of notice before they could take the job. When he came to me to offer the job I laughed it off at first although I couldn't criticize his style. He asked me to dinner to talk to me about this.**

**"Man it's a bar, I'm not allowed," I told him as though he was crazy.**

**"It's temporary and I don't care if you drink. You could have a fucking fruit passion and I wouldn't care as long as you don't actually tell them you are only eighteen."**

**I raised an eyebrow and Greg shrugs before finally sighing.**

**"Listen I have a chain of bars all over town and I really aren't worried about this one although I know that you have that little baby on the way and you can't possibly think that you will not have to worry about things before the baby is born. The hospital will cost you an arm and a leg just by having the baby and then there's the food and the diapers. You'll probably be doing good just by giving the poor kid up so they could be happy?"**

**I frown.**

**"My baby will be loved. My baby will be-"**

**"How long until the little one gets sick?" Greg asked me smugly. "You don't have any health insurance to cover the baby and then where does that get you? In debt and definitely not making anything to support your lovely girlfriend. I'd say that she deserves better than you. She deserves someone that will take responsibility for-"**

**"I'll take the job." I look up and realize that my hand had been shaking. With what I wasn't certain, but I did know that I wasn't going to like going in with this little bribe.**

**He looked into my eyes and smiled that smug smile of his. He knew he had won this round and who knows what other ones. He probably won me over with the needing money stint but how long until he realized there were going to be battles he didn't win? What then? I kept my head low as he left but not before throwing a couple of bills onto the table.**

**"There ya go. Can't have my temporary employee worrying about finances. You don't have to worry about dinner." He was gone before I even looked up but even now thinking of Greg gives me goosebumps. It could be because of how he stated his case or because he simply called me a simple basket case basically.**

**Either way I didn't know what I was doing and it made everything hurt three times as much. I literally felt myself begin to panic and turned to the only thing I knew I was able to use to help me.**

**That's right, the cutting and it should have been ten times as bad but made me feel just as much better.**

Josh didn't know who this Greg Sherman was but he knew he didn't like him. Guilting Drake into a job that he wasn't even planning to take was very mean no matter how much Drake probably wanted to get a job. Then if that wasn't enough he made Drake feel all the more guilty by pointing out that Drake couldn't provide for his baby.

Speaking of the baby he still had no idea where the baby could have been now. Was the baby even born yet or had they since then adopted it. He knew from reading this that Hannah was Drake's whole world but he hadn't the slightest if Hannah had felt the same thing. It was weird not knowing about a girl that Drake had been dating. He used to tell him so much and now he was stuck with reading all about the side of his brother's life he had never known. It was a little depressing to tell the truth and he didn't like it one bit.

He was jolted out of his thoughts by the bus stopping at the last stop in their schedule. He quickly got off and headed towards the park he had used to play at when he had been eight years old. His mother hadn't been a huge part of his life since he was little and he knew that she had tried, she just couldn't get off of the drugs she had been hooked on. He had used to be just so angry that his mother didn't even think about him when she did what she did but looking back, he knew she couldn't help it. She was an addict and she really had tried. She had seen him four times after his eighth birthday before ceasing all visits altogether. His dad said he knew where she was but wouldn't tell him which obviously meant she was moving on and he was okay with that, he had a mother figure that genuinely cared about him and what he did.

Sitting at one of the picnic tables looking over the park he noticed that it was really starting to get dark now. It was six thirty in the evening now and he just knew that it wasn't going to be long before his parents called wondering where he was. Sighing he looked over to the places he used to play at and remembered feeling so lonely. He didn't know if it was the same kind of loneliness that Drake had felt but then again he was always so popular too. Smiling sadly he knew that he wasn't alone when he had had Drake and it was a definite change from when he had been without friends. He even had kids that picked on him for being overweight.

His father had told him to ignore it and he always wondered how his dad could come up with the saying, 'sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you'. It was apparent that it wasn't when Drake was the fifth suicide to happen in this year alone caused by bullying. As far as he could tell anyways it was the fifth. People were cruel and didn't think what they did would hurt anyone but it did. It hurt his parents and Megan but most of all he believed that he was hurting the most. He was with him the most and they were closer. It hurt that Drake thought it was better to take his own life but it hurt ten times more that he thought he would be fine with it. Turning to the book again, he flipped to the page and started reading it again.

**The baby had kicked! **

**I was so happy that day, even happier than the first day of winter break. Hannah couldn't stop smiling and I thought I was going to give away something by being overly abundant with energy. Mom even had to stop the smile from coming to her face as she announced her new promotion. Guess she thought I was happy for her as well. I was, don't get me wrong but it seemed like she put in too many hours that wasn't going to help and the promotion just meant more hours away from the house. Wasn't it really worth it in the end? I will tell you one thing, it didn't help to have a son who wanted to die when you finally got the promotion. It put the kill in kill joy and I may be overstepping my bounds by putting that but I think by now I can be allowed to say it. **

**Having nothing to do on a Friday night and even though watching movies at Hannah's new place so that she had moved into recently so she would be closer to me, it was relatively nothing we hadn't done a thousand times. You wanted to bowl again and invited me so I made sure Hannah was okay with it before agreeing to come.**

**By this time my hair was almost the same length but still quite short. I found I liked it this way although I realized that neither of your friends did. I think it helped that Craig and Eric came along this time. We got the shoes like we had last time and the creature was glaring at me the whole time.**

**"I hope there's not an excuse to make out with another pretty girl," she whispered as she went by.**

**We did this all the time and it was nothing new so I ignored it. Paul and Seth were here again and they rolled their eyes finding out that I was on their team again. I rolled mine just because and attempted to do better this time. Nobody could truly suck this much at bowling. In fact mom had teased me mercilessly when you brought it up and she had no idea that it hurt every single time. Maybe it had something to do with the text messages that kept springing up on my phone but at this point it was only some anonymous texts about me supposedly being gay, stupid, and ugly all over agin. Never did I believe I would catch a break but whenever I was at Hannah's I had my phone off anyways so I would ignore it.**

Josh didn't know about the cyber bullying and by that admission there he wasn't making a big deal about it because it became an occurrence. It just hurt to know many days after the incident that these people were taking it way too far and he still had no idea how far his supposed friends played into this. He didn't like it but he was sure he was going to find out.

**"So not trying to get into your business or anything but why do you suck?" Seth asked me after the fourth gutter ball in one night. I was frustrated and I was sure I would probably go bald this way but it was what it was and it wasn't stopping me from being angry about it.**

**"You had somebody to teach you how to bowl when you were a kid, probably your dad," I answered not caring how I sounded. "Maybe your mom if your dad was busy or whatever but I didn't have that and I don't particularly need a reason to suck do I? I suck at a lot of things."**

**You laughed at that point.**

**"You? You are popular and you get all the girls. What is there to be bad at? So what that you can't bowl, you can do a hundred different things better."**

**I rolled my eyes but I wasn't mad. You always seemed to be jealous of what I did so I didn't want to simply make it look like I didn't care about you. I did. I also didn't want to downplay what you thought about me. You may never have known it but I've been in this one girl relationship and I'm loving it so much. What does it matter how popular, pretty, and down right good I thought I was? You had that one relationship that mattered and friends that liked you for you. Now I had the one meaningful relationship I loved with all my heart and no knowledge of who my real friends were. We win some and we lose some, we can't win them all but the wins are great and makes you feel really good inside.**

**"I've been dating someone for six months now and for what it's worth thank you for showing me that I don't need multiple girls to be happy."**

**You looked speechless but Mindy laughed.**

**"Right and I somehow find this to be completely bogus. You have a meaningful relationship-"**

**Paul had cut in at that point with an eye roll.**

**"First thing to do isn't holding the ball like that," he said sounding all annoyed. I let a smile slide onto my face. Apparently he had to act like it annoyed him to be helping me so I wouldn't know that he cared but deep down I realize that maybe he cared a little too much. "Then you aim. It's like this and don't you dare let go until you are ready to. You release it too soon and it goes far from where you wanted it too and if you release too late you don't get the results you want. Just do the combination and you'll at least get one pin."**

**I nod and try since it was still my turn. I wasn't expecting a strike to happen from this but I did get a spare and after that almost all the pins I knocked down were more than two. A big surprise there was Drake Parker actually taking the time to learn something. Stop the paper and deliver the news. Drake Parker can actually not suck!**

Josh felt happier about Paul actually taking the initiative to make Drake fit in. He didn't know why Mindy and Drake were always at each other's throats even though the incident where Mindy tried to get Drake suspended was a while back ago. They could have tried to have gotten a better relationship because of who Mindy was dating but it never happened. Now he was sure that the rivalry was going to be taken to the grave with Drake and that was definitely possible because Drake was never going to wake up.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Seventeen

**Lisa Moore was a very pretty girl. She wasn't able to get pregnant and would continuously ask me if I would ever think of giving my own child up. Greg was dating her and they were very happy together. Lisa and Greg were also young adults and past the high school age. **

**They could have been the most richest person on the earth and I would keep saying no. I passed the time listening to her talking about having a little girl of her own and shooting me wishful looks. I knew that it would just be a matter of time before Greg married her and yet he knew she wouldn't be happy until she had a kid.**

**"Want a beer?"**

**I turned to see Greg there with Chris before shaking my head. Chris was with a girl I used to date, Christina Evans and she looked just as astonished as some of the other kids from my school whenever Hannah came over. Apparently the gay jokes weren't as accurate when there was a baby in the picture.**

**"Nope."**

**Greg just smiled and turned back to Chris, Marcus, and Gary who were with him and continued to talk about something I didn't care about.**

**"Why don't you try one?" Marcus asked. "Not like you aren't a wimp enough and now you want to deny being cool?"**

**"Do you want some more beer?" I asked smartly.**

**Marcus rolled his eyes.**

**"Drink, one drink and then I'll pay you double the salary," Greg offered. I hesitated and could see Gary look over in bewilderment.**

**"Why? It's not like it's gonna help any," Gary complained.**

**"Well he has a little one on the way and I'm pretty sure that it means more to him to have many at this point and time than it does with him saying no-"**

**I quickly opened another five beers and handed them theirs before taking a swig from one of my own. I would be screaming if I knew it would do something. Nothing ever came easy though. **

**Having people that aren't your friends is one thing. They could even be pretending to be your friends and it still wouldn't be a problem but those that didn't hold an ounce of respect for another person and blindly did something to show how much you really meant to them was worse than anything else I could think of. Could you think of anything else?**

**I woke up in a ditch with a headache and even then I was so sure that there was a mistake. There was none though. I never drunk anything with alcohol in it so the fact that I was now facing the pavement and could feel a small bump on my head, I decided I wasn't going into work the next day. They could say whatever it was as well. They did so much in putting me down and destroying every bit of who I was. I didn't want to think it was working but I think they are starting to win.**

**I was almost home when I came to the sudden realization that I must be dying. I wasn't the person I liked a whole year ago. I doubted I even knew then how lame I was now. As my breath began to speed up, I ran into the house and passed mom and Walter who stood up as soon as I came in and ignoring them, I took the stairs two at a time and locked the door behind me. I tried to calm myself down, but I found it impossible. Breathing to the point of gasping, I made a small slash on my wrist where the faded scars were. As I began to calm down and my heart rate returned to normal, I began to hear mom yelling for me to open the door. **

**I couldn't help but ignore what she was telling me as I tried to get a hold of myself. I calmed myself down enough though to open the door and I saw everyone gaping at me. Maybe it was the cut above my eye that I hadn't noticed or maybe it was the small bump on my head but it didn't take a genius to know that I had been beaten. Maybe the conclusion was all wrong but I did realize the importance of being grounded. **

**I could have said anything and explained to mom why I had been drinking but I had done neither. As I stood there and let them continue to give me a lecture on the importance of underage drinking and responsibility I knew it didn't matter. Nothing mattered because I was slipping and I was having a hard time getting back up.**

Josh stood up and took out his phone. Mom had called him several times and he sighed before calling her back if only to ask if she wanted him home. He would have no problem doing that and she had been away with grammy all day trying to get their affairs in order and to visit Drake. He paused for only a moment and then dialed in her number.

"Hey, I'm at the park. I guess I needed to think about some stuff but I'm gonna be home soon-"

"It's not a problem," His mother's voice came on the line. "There's no problem and take as much time as you need to clear your head. Don't worry about us, just when you could we could go as a family to visit Drake. You'd love that would you?"

Josh sighed and hung up the phone. He didn't want to say otherwise and then change his mind. He didn't want to change his mind and do the opposite of what he told her but she was insisting and he didn't think he could handle it right that minute. It was hard to imagine the one person he loved laying there and only a small amount of hope that he'd pull through. The only thing he could do at the moment would be to keep reading and that was what he was going to do.

**Standing in front of the mirror as I've been doing a couple times way too many, I turned away from it and headed back to my room. It was Saturday and school was going to start up again in two days. New years was gone and over with but vacation has only left me in an even worse state than I had been in before. Grabbing my razor blade, I made a few cuts just for the sake of cutting and cleaned it up so that nobody would know what I did so that I wouldn't be committed. Mindy went to one and nobody ever let her forget that. Blinking back tears I didn't think much about life or the future to be honest but now I was thinking that it was too much.**

**This was the first thought I ever had about possibly dying. I thought what people would say once I was gone. I wish that I could see what people would think if I was suddenly gone and found I didn't want to know. If I did end up dying then they would probably be happy. It's easy to tell someone to stay alive when all you want to do is die. I was already dead. **

**I finally admit it. I'm dying on the outside but on the inside I've been dead. Nobody would think that by looking at me but they don't get woken up by nightmares. They don't see the same thing plaguing them day in and day out. It's overwhelming my mind and I just want it to end. I want to scream but I don't. I want to tell everyone to stop. My mind is spinning out of control but I can't stop it. I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep and I can't hardly eat. I sneak some bites in when I catch people looking but it tastes like sandpaper going down my throat.**

**I knew people would eventually say that I needed help. Everyone would say it, and knowing them I probably do. I didn't want to admit it to myself though so what good would it be to tell someone else?**

**Hannah was worried and had me lay back in bed with her. It was a fine Saturday afternoon and there was no rush. The baby was moving wildly and she laughed as she explained that she was always feeling the baby move the most when I was around. If I don't screw this kid up I bet I would be a great daddy. Notice the sarcasm there? Yeah I didn't really think I would be but Hannah kept going on about it saying I was great and would be the best daddy ever. I still don't know that but I nodded to make her happy.**

**I wanted to break something. **

**Megan wasn't doing any pranks on me lately and she seemed very upset. I assumed it was my attempt to get her to stop the pranks that got me grounded for a weekend but opening the door to her room, I saw that she was on her bed wiping her tears away after seeing me at the door.**

**"Go away!"**

**"Yeah, I'll go away as my sister cries about stuff that is making her upset," I comment snidely.**

**She glared and went to close the door but my foot was in the way. I didn't hate her beyond the popular belief, at least now anyways. I just wanted to find out why she was so upset and I didn't like seeing Megan cry. The tears didn't suit my sister.**

They didn't suit you either, Josh thought. You just hardly cried and now you are severely depressed and no one is reaching out to you. They left you in a ditch and never once thought that maybe you were going to react this way. You isolated yourself and kept all the problems to yourself. Is it any wonder that you ended up trying to take your own life? You needn't worry Drake, It is January, Josh thought sadly. He turned sadder when he thought about it though. In two more months you won't be doing any of those things but then again in two months' time you won't even have your consciousness.

**"What happened that is making you cry?" I asked instead when she tried to get me to move.**

**"Like you would know," Megan screamed at me. "Are you even still with Hannah?"**

**I nod surprising her.**

**"I care about her so why not?" I said. Megan just fell back on the bed.**

**"That makes four to six months you've been dating her," She noted. By now it was seven but I didn't correct her. "Brandon is a jerk! Is it really that difficult to find a boy that isn't interested in cheating on me?"**

**"The ones that really matter do," I answer truthfully. "Foolish ones come and go but when you meet someone who really is, they're be worth it in the end."**

**"Wow, you really love this Hannah girl. I'd have to meet her again," Megan answered for me. She got marginally sadder though as her eyes turned big and wet. "Dad left us and now mom's always working. I feel like I'm the only one sometimes you know. I feel so lonely and Brandon says it's because I'm not pretty enough."**

**I snort.**

**"You're not alone Megan. You've got me and Josh. Sure mom works a lot but she still loves you and Walter is a goof but he'll be there to talk if you need him. Don't worry okay? Find the one boy who really likes you and then we can talk."**

**Megan finally smiled.**

**"Thank you Drake. Can you promise me you'll be here? I know that Josh and Walter are one big surprise that we never expected to have. Mom said she would never get with another man and then she met Walter and you got close to Josh. You've always been there and I don't want that to change. Please?"**

**I nodded.**

**"Of course Megan, what are big brothers for."**

**I don't think I should have said that but later I knew it was going to be one big mistake. Megan was going to hate me because I wished I was dead.**

A promise you couldn't keep. The only difference from the other promises you never kept was that this one meant something and you never meant to break it. You just didn't want to live. You messed up big time though Drake because what you did something nobody would ever forget. You thought that we didn't care but we care a lot and nobody is ever going to be the same.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Eighteen

**I remembered Paul's last name!**

**Taegan Green is his sister. She moved here the previous year and I always thought that she wanted to be left alone. She never truly tried to make friends with me. She worked in this small cafe shop near B.F Wang's and even though it was a little tiny it was cozy enough to get what I needed and be left alone. **

**Taegan had problems that Paul couldn't deal with. His sister was a junior and she didn't see the point in living. After talking to her for five minutes I didn't know what her problem was. Or at least the problem that Paul had said there was. Paul came by every so often and we would talk as Taegan set down tea or coffee, normally whatever we felt like that day. We would talk about things that had happened and things that we didn't tell anybody else about. Taegan would have a seat and talk with us during her breaks and talk about the topics over sensitive issues. She remained indifferent to most of the controversies and never took one side of an issue. She weighed the pros and cons before remaining neutral. **

**It wouldn't have been so bad had Paul hadn't kept insisting that I go out with her. My adamant no's and explanations that I have a girlfriend hadn't seem to be working and he always tried stating that his sister liked me. I never budged. I think it was why Paul was starting to like me. I felt a little better knowing that I had a friend outside and in the school that didn't just hate my guts. **

**But he also introduced me to smoking.**

And so another friend did something that he shouldn't have done, Josh surmised wearily. Mom had banned Drake from even touching a cigarette whilst in the house and he now knew it was Paul that had shown Drake the habit of smoking. It was all cool and everything of course until Walter tried to throw him out. He bet that Drake stayed at his girlfriend's apartment during those times and wondered why Paul would do that. Paul was always so responsible and whilst he knew that Paul had a horrible habit, it had always been fine with him as long as he didn't have to smell it. Smoking was better than dead though and he'd rather have Drake back with him, the smoking and all.

**Drugs were introduced soon. Paul and Seth did a little business on the side whereas they sold pot by the pound and gave me a little sample to try. I declined and it only got them on my back about it. I didn't want to do it and I knew there was no way of them persuading me. They pestered me everyday though and it was getting tiring.**

**I don't think they knew why I refused but I knew if I told them they'd just try to prove me wrong again so I kept my mouth shut. In school, the girls were once again ignoring me but Marcus made a habit of putting his arm around my shoulders and trying to pull me closer to him. I didn't like it and would shrug him off, moving to the opposite side of the hallway. He didn't seem to notice though as he kept on trying to repeat the same actions every time he saw me. Strangely enough Paul seemed to be quite mad.**

**Taegan and I talked about it but she didn't really have an answer to give me other than Paul being a gigantic douche and something about his drug use. I didn't pay too much attention when she ranted and raved about Paul but I did know that she was in trouble. I knew she felt lonely and I knew she didn't want to feel the pain. I know because I saw it everyday in the mirror staring back at me.**

Taegan was getting help by Drake? As crazy as that sounded at least Josh could understand. Taegan was on Mrs. Hayfer's list now that Drake wasn't around and she was always making sure that any students that suddenly exhibited more than one change were talked to and provided counselors. They were just grasping for straws though since Drake had exhibited all those signs for months before somebody tried to help him and by then he was intent on dying anyways.

**Can't stop the fact that somebody loves you.**

** I know it's crazy but I should have known and I should have known that he would be trouble when we first met. One thing you don't know is that Paul was either had some problems besides his drug use or he really did like me and used his girlfriend as a cover the first time we met. Whatever it was Seth was always giving us time to ourselves whenever I hung around with them at their shared apartment. **

**Apparently Paul was kicked out months ago and I was just getting used to being kicked out of the house by Walter who by then hated my smoking. Mom hated it too but she had to have been angered by the fact that my stepfather took that step since she took to calling me at all times of the day and begging me to come back home. **

**I didn't have to worry about going to school then though. **

You also didn't worry about anything else, Josh thought. He clicked his tongue hoping that whatever this was had had nothing to do with what happened with Paul. Two months ago and he knew people were still wondering why Paul had did what he had done. Was Drake involved in some way and just now there were dots being connected? Josh didn't know but he did think that Drake should have listened to mom and came home. He remembered Megan standing by and hoping that her brother would and each time he didn't, she would look on sadly and it broke Josh's heart. Not as much as now though because now Megan was always going to have this new kind of hurt. Their brother was as good as gone and not just out skipping school and playing mediator between siblings and spending time with his girlfriend whenever he pleased.

**I guess there was a reason that Marcus kept showing some kind of affection in front of me whenever Paul was around. I hadn't realized it then but he always let his hands linger and sometimes even grabbed a hold of my elbow to keep me from leaving. I didn't know where he got the idea of our friendship being anything more but I didn't know what to do. Seth wasn't helping any either and as it turned out, Ricky Braiden, their supplier just snidely laughed whenever I tried to put a stop to Paul's advances.**

**"I think it's cute kid. You look pretty enough to be made for prostitution." At Paul's dark look, Ricky just shrugged and continued smoking pot. "Just think about it if you ever need money kid. I would be your first customer and I know that you wouldn't regret me."**

**I closed my eyes to take a deep breath before mumbling an excuse to leave. I wasn't going to take this from either of them but they were going too far, especially Ricky with his talk about what he would do with me. I didn't want that and I knew Hannah was probably worried. I dropped my cigarette in the ash tray and went to stand up.**

And now his perception as Paul was forever ruined, Josh thought. He hated to think of Paul as anything else since the young man was dead but seeing as he was causing Drake some pain made it all the more shocking. Only before that, he had been helping Drake play a game nobody had taught him to play and now he was forcing him to feel uncomfortable. He wished that Drake had went to him but it was hopeless and he knew he wouldn't. Drake would only go downhill from here and he knew that he wasn't even feeling the need to kill himself yet even though he felt dead.

**Paul took a knife and picked it up making me think better of what I was doing. I quickly sat back and let out a whimper when I felt Paul's arms around me. I didn't want that, God I didn't want any of these advances and trembled at the thought of what Paul would try to do since he had a weapon.**

**"Come on he has a pregnant girlfriend Paulie," Seth goaded. "Ricky I think I have to get out of here. You want to sell some pot or something whilst Paul deals with his issues of liking a taken man?"**

**Ricky looked at both of us and nodded.**

**"I would very much like that. I just hope that they don't make a mess."**

**I jumped and whined as they planned to leave me here with this maniac. I've been out of the house for two weeks now and I didn't give up all the other shit to deal with this, I didn't. I shook my head as I heard the door slam and Paul's hand around my arm tighten. **

**"You don't want to do that," I whisper lamely.**

**I was pretty sure he knew this and wanted to do this very much. He just didn't realize yet that I didn't and maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the drugs in his system but he wasn't particularly pleasant right now. I whimpered as he leaned forward and he frowned growling at my response to his actions.**

**"Why can't you like me? My own girlfriend wasn't cutting it for me and then Josh introduced me to you. You didn't act like I was told you would and if anything you are a lot like me. You should like me not some little whore-"**

**"But I don't like you like that," I quickly tell him. "Even if you went and did this you would only be forcing me into something I didn't want."**

**"You don't love me?" he asked and although I knew he had taken something that wasn't pot now, I nodded although I quickly regretted it.**

**He grabbed my head and pushed me forward until I was looking into constricted pupils and all I wanted to do was get far away especially when I saw the glint of metal.**

**"You don't love me," He repeated.**

**"No," I whisper truthfully. "I love Hannah. I love her with all my heart and have since the first time I met her-"**

**"SHUT UP!" **

**I quickly obeyed although I was trembling with freight at the idea of him having a gun. What had people been telling him about me? I didn't like it at all and Seth just left me with him. Whose fault would it be if something happened though? His for leaving the situation or me for being truthful with Paul and not lying.**

**"Mindy said you were a play boy and you went through girls like they were candy. I thought it meant you would never find the girl for you and then you found that girl, Hannah. I wished you hadn't because I was always watching even when you were popular. You were so cute and then someone decided that you were too smug and was probably jealous. They spread a rumor knowing I liked you and can you imagine what I felt in that moment seeing that you kissed other guys but not me? I was so angry and yet they had nothing. They didn't help you and everyone smart enough knew you didn't love your stepbrother like that-"**

**"Please let me go," I whispered closing my eyes to keep from staring at his harsh eyes. "I don't love you and those rumors were indeed false. I never kissed them either, they forced themselves on my lips and you would be the same as them if you did this now."**

**"LOOK AT ME!" I opened my eyes startled and tried to avoid looking at the gun. I knew it was dangerous and what Paul had planned would hurt someone and I hoped against all odds that it wasn't me. I was being selfish but I didn't want to die, not by a bullet. "Look at me, okay? I love you with all my heart and always have. Is there any chance of you ever loving me?"**

**I shook my head devoid of words as Paul looked like his world crumbled. I tried to keep my body from shaking as he raised the gun and smiled that sad smile. He didn't seem to like the answer and I shook against my will as he slid the gun down my cheek, the cold metal making me shiver.**

**"I should have known Drake Parker would never feel this way about someone like me. I mean I was happy when you said you weren't interested in my sister but I guess it was because you already love Hannah. I wish I was her, she's so lucky to have someone like you. Do you know what it's like to have someone's blood on your hands?"**

**I shook my head numbly.**

**"I want you to experience it though. It would be great to see your pretty face smeared with blood, your hair would be drenched in blood and the look of horror on your face. I think I could say after that, that you would be freaked out for life. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself, would you? If you had to see someone die."**

**"I already did," I whispered. **

**I was dead on the inside and I was sure I was going to have my heart beat out of my chest if he kept talking like this. It scared me so very much.**

**"Yeah but now you'll have to live with having killed someone else baby," He whispered and I stared in horror as he turned the gun on himself. "You could stop it you know. Want to know how?"**

**I nod fervently.**

**"Tell me you love me."**

**"I love you," I told him softly.**

**"And mean it," He added with a frown.**

**"I-"**

**"You can't though," He said still frowning. "You don't feel it so you can't mean it when you say it."**

**It was true even though I was sure I didn't want him to do that and I was going to lose this battle. He smiled sardonically before he pulled the trigger and blood splattered everywhere.**

**I screamed.**

Josh closed his eyes and wanted to scream. The park was still quiet but he knew it would send people out here if they heard him. Paul had to do that to his brother and being the kind of person he was, he was the one that pushed Drake to the final step of mental death. Drake would've probably gotten better and left the school but now he had Paul's death on his mind and who knows what else was going to happen. He hated Paul now and he never thought it would be possible because he met him in the sixth grade. Sure Paul was nerdy then and he was always glancing at Drake but he never thought that he would have taken to him in such a manner.

Now he wished he never met Paul. If he never met Paul he would still have Drake.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Nineteen

**I was home again but it didn't feel like home anymore. I ignored the dry blood in my hair and on my face. It was just another thing that made me wish I never was born. How was I a lucky star when I couldn't even save him. I couldn't save Paul and because of me, Seth had been mad. He didn't say as much but as I left without a word, I knew he had shaken his head and mumbled to Ricky.**

**"What a pathetic waste of space. He's better off taking a bottle of pills."**

**I didn't know what to do. Mom was at her job and Walter was probably at his job as well. You were somewhere else and Megan wasn't home yet wherever she was. I wanted to break down. No for the first time I wanted my dad.**

**I cleaned the blood out of my hair in the upstairs bathroom and used a cloth on the rest. I trashed it and my clothes, dressing into a fresh pair although I still felt dirty. Tucking it under the bottom of the trash can outside, I walked back inside and laid back in the living room couch. I was hesitant but finally I reached for the phone and dialed the last number I knew he had. I knew he wasn't much of a dad but he wouldn't ignore his son in a time of need would he?**

I don't know Drake, Josh thought. Would he ignore you? I don't know your father beyond what you said about him ignoring you and your need for him to be there. Please don't do anything you will regret Drake. You are falling and it's clear now you aren't picking yourself up this time. No this time you are allowing yourself to continuously fall. You could only keep falling before you hit rock bottom and then what Drake? Is that why you decided to take your own life then? Because you hit rock bottom and you had taken a big fall with nothing to pick yourself up with? Well I'll find out now, will I? I will but it would be too late, Josh thought bitterly.

**As soon as dad answered I sagged back into the couch in relief.**

**"Dad?"**

**"Drake? It's good to hear from you son, how is it going down there?"**

**He didn't seem any different from the father I knew. Scrunching my eyebrows together I realized that I hadn't talked to him since Josh became a big part of my life and even then I never knew how to converse with my dad.**

**"Not so great," I admitted.**

**I found it oddly strange that I finally admitted to myself I wasn't and perhaps have never been fine. I wanted so badly to tell him everything but I wasn't sure where to start. Would dad hate me for what I was doing or would he ignore me like he had done so many times in the past? He didn't know what was wrong with me though and I just wanted to talk to someone that would care. I was sure you would but I didn't want to continuously bother you with my problems, you had other things to deal with and I didn't need the kissy, kiss tease in school. I couldn't stand that and I was sure that they knew that and that's why they had done it. It worked and I was hoping that dad would be someone who could listen now.**

**"Drake it really isn't a good time. Bella's sick."**

**My heart sank.**

**"Bella?" I didn't know he had a wife after leaving mom or maybe that was why he hadn't allowed us to visit him in Rhode Island since the divorce.**

**"My two year old daughter, your half sister. She was playing out in the snow and it turns out that it was without a jacket. It's only the sniffles though and I'll talk to you then, is that okay?"**

**"Dad I understand," I try to say. "I, uh, have a girlfriend I really like."**

**I lamely told him that. I kicked myself but he didn't seem to notice anything wrong with my voice.**

**"That's nice. Maybe this one will be a keeper this time. Your mother told me how many girls you use and it's wrong Drake. Maybe you should take a break from dating and find yourself before you go dating another girl. They deserve as much respect as you do and I never did anything like that."**

**My heart sank further realizing that he didn't know his own son. I was dead inside, I repeated in my head as my breath picked up. I was dead inside and I was not fine. I wasn't.**

**"Drake? Are you okay?" His concern wasn't natural and I realized he never really loved his children, who knows if he ever loved our mom. Did he even want me or did he think I was a pathetic waste of space as well.**

**"I'm sorry for bothering you dad." I say, tears springing to my eyes.**

**"Drake-"**

**I hang up and lean back against the couch. I couldn't take it anymore. The cutting wasn't helping as much as it could anymore. It never could, not when I've already given up. Gulping a lung full of air, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a large glass of water, pausing as I was drinking it. An idea popped into my head and before I knew what I was doing, I took the bleach out and already had a cap full in my mouth before I realize what I was doing. **

**I don't think I cared at this point though. Everyone I knew either hated me or felt sorry for me. My own biological father didn't even want me and I knew now what I wanted to do.**

**What I didn't want was to live anymore.**

Josh had a feeling that that call would be bad right from the start and realized that those kids still hurt Drake to the point that talking to him would make Drake seem weak. He didn't want the teasing or the harsh words so he avoided it. Megan made him feel weak and he didn't think to talk to her because she was his younger sister and he felt he had to be strong anyhow. Their parents were repeatedly grounding him and didn't even stop to listen to him. Now he didn't want to live.

Josh closed his eyes and felt the tears slip down his face.

Even though he knew Drake wanted to die, he knew what happened after he tried drinking that bleach and sadly enough he hadn't felt one ounce of sadness that he did it. He didn't even seem to feel anything. It was the first time that everyone walked on eggshells with him and even wished that they had tried more but he had a counselor and various therapists. What could they have done differently besides locking him up though?

It was very apparent now that Drake was going to die because he literally lost it and it was too late then. It was too late and it was only a month later that he was most likely successful with his attempts. He wished Drake wasn't and that he talked him out of it because now it hurt. It hurt because he didn't come to him but even more it hurt because he knew it was far from over.

**I realized just how much I hated the hospital when I was undergoing the seventy two hour psych evaluation for the bleach I tried ingesting. First time I told them it was an accident and mom believed me but when you got home that other time and spotted me, I don't think anyone would listen after that. The psych eval became mandatory after they found that I had also been cutting myself. **

**It's really ironic how when someone is one hundred percent or at least someone thinks that they are one hundred percent nobody is willing to listen. Nobody wants to know how your day is or how come you are having a bad day but when someone finds it in themselves that taking their lives is the only solution in their mind, suddenly everyone surrounds them. They wonder where they went wrong and try to get you to open up to them. I'm telling you it's crazy and then you begin to wonder how much a human life is actually worth. **

**Then there's others saying that suicide attempts are basically cries for attention. Does it look like I downed a cup of bleach for the attention? Did I look I seriously wanted anyone to take notice of the artwork up and down my arms or to see our mom cry every time she so much as saw it? I suppose nobody could truly mess up more than when they "try" to gain somebody's attention to the fact that they lost it. There's a saying and I'm not sure if anybody heard it but it goes, 'you're only beautiful when you're dead.' **

**It's true.**

**I was alive and my attempts have so far failed so I was just somebody looking for attention. My mom was upset about it, Walter horribly disappointed, and my own dad would probably be shaking his own head. He obviously didn't call back to ask how I was beyond mom mentioning that she knows I called him and when I asked how she knew, she told me that he called her.**

**I lay back and wondered what it could possibly mean that dad had only called her to tell her that and not even ask how I was doing. Did he even care? I swiped at my eyes and mom looked over with a small smile.**

**"Baby dad just wanted to know why you had called and sounded so upset. I told him you were going to be okay and everything-"**

**"He has a daughter," I told her dumbstruck. "Is that why you never really encouraged us to talk to him after the divorce?"**

**She sighed.**

**"I knew you wouldn't understand but the reason was the affair remember? He married that girl and he has two children. A four year old son by the name of Bailey and Bella is now two. I wanted so much for you to know but I didn't know when you would come to understand that even though your father left me, he hasn't stopped loving you Drake. He does love you and Megan a lot, he's just been busy with the company and everything."**

**I continued to nod even though I didn't feel any different.**

**"Why couldn't you have told me earlier," I wonder aloud. "Mom does dad know what I tried?"**

**She refused to look at me but she nodded her head slowly. Raising an eyebrow I wondered if he was even going to ask why. **

**"What do you want me to say Drake?" She suddenly asked. "He has high expectations and always have. When I told him about you he-"**

**"He what?" I demanded. **

**I was petrified of the answer but I knew if I didn't get it I would continue to be subjected to the unknown curiosity that would be stowed upon me.**

**"He doesn't condone what you're doing and he thinks all you need is an old fashioned spanking to get you to understand that this attention seeking isn't going to gain his attention."**

**I feel my heart drop at that admission and even though mom tried to tell me it wasn't what she thought it hadn't mattered. I felt replaced by my dad in my own mind and I doubted anybody here would even begin to think what had happened. I slowly let her hug me even though I felt everything within myself crumble. I wouldn't cry, I told myself. I was stronger than that and I wasn't going to show the bastard what I kept buried deep inside.**

**I broke though.**

**And mom was there. For the first time it felt good to have her holding me and I felt safe. Maybe I wasn't totally dead inside like I thought I was. Did I really want to die? Probably not and mom made me see that. I felt okay and I decided that if she thought this new thing would help me, I let her. **

**I finally admitted that I needed help too.**

Then why did you try to take your life not even four weeks later, Josh thought angrily. He stood up and paced the bench. The book was almost done and he thought that there was going to be more to it but at this point Drake was admitting to his problem and admitting that he needed help. He was acting like he was going to get better.

He should have known it wouldn't last.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Twenty

**School was different.**

**I only say that because I didn't care what anybody said anymore and no matter how many times Scottie and the rest of the members of my so called band tried to cheer me up, I no longer felt any better. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel like anything was helping me either. I went to counseling four times a week and a therapist on Saturday mornings and even then all we did was sit there. Sometimes I drew pictures but nothing helped.**

**Mrs. Hayfer was giving me a look again like she had when she had wanted to help me in the beginning but it was different now. I was already receiving this so called help and nothing was different. I still didn't feel anything and no matter what I did, I felt it wasn't going to do anything anyways. I received f's by the dozen now and I could just see the teachers gossiping amongst themselves about that poor boy who tried to take his own life for the attention. Did I? No but they didn't know a damned thing and I doubt they ever will.**

**Chris Thomas got into trouble for drugs since I've been gone and was almost put in jail. I doubt anybody cared about that but Marcus kept giggling every time I sat down to eat what I could. Julio was talking about some type of band practice as though that would cheer me up and ignoring everything that the others were saying. Did he realize it wasn't helping any?**

**"So how's Paul?" Marcus casually brought up.**

**Chris stiffened and from out of nowhere Eric laughed. The jock seemed to think it was a joke that the guy blew his head off but he hadn't seen it. No but I did and I still remained impassive when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die at this point.**

**"Yeah, he came here in the sixth grade and was a class A nerd. He'd follow you with his eyes all the time and guess what, I realized at this point that he had a mad crush on you throughout these years. I guess it helped his favors when he thought you were gay huh? Must have been a big disappointment when he found out otherwise right?"**

**I didn't say anything. I wasn't much of a talker these days but right now my heart was pounding in my ears and I knew from their looks that they knew that they had me. I knew of Paul Green, the very smart friend of Josh's but I never knew of the nerd that would follow me around in the background and wish that one day I'd come to notice him. I didn't like to think about Paul whatsoever because I still had nightmares about the night he blew his head off when I couldn't honestly tell him that I loved him. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears. I didn't want to hear anymore but it seemed like the jocks that joined had different plans.**

**"Hey, why don't you join us after school? I'm sure your little breakdown could wait until after we talk."**

**I nod because what else was I gonna do? I had nothing else and as they left you came up to me, with a look in your eyes that asked if I was alright. I wasn't Josh. I hated it because I was not alright and yet I knew you wouldn't have liked that answer what with all the screw ups I was making lately. I made mom cry and Walter mad. I made Megan reduce to tears and I was on the verge of having my own team of counselors try to help me and yet I could never find myself upsetting you. I love you and not in the way they had thought. You are the brother that saved me from myself when I didn't even know there was anything wrong and you made me the better person. **

**Now I was lying to you because I don't think that you would ever stop until you was sure I was fine again and for once I don't think that would ever happen.**

**"I'm fine Josh," I reply then. "What are you doing this afternoon?"**

**See Josh, I was fine. I was fine because I was lying and you didn't pick up on it because I didn't want you to. I wanted you to believe the lie so that you wouldn't feel bad and guilty when everything ended up how I knew it would. You can't feel guilty because I refuse to let you be. I just wanted you to be happy.**

Happiness is far from what I feel right now Drake, Josh thought. I think it's my fault because you wouldn't let me see the real you. Of course I saw a glimpse of it when you almost broke down in chemistry but then people like Chris Thomas, Marcus, and the jocks messed it all up for you and made your life a living hell. What were you going to do that was any different then putting a knife in my back Drake because that's what it feels like. I'm living a life without you now and hoping to breath and you can't even breath on your own and might be dead but I don't know because I don't want to let you go Drake. So why'd you do it?

Why'd you make me think you were okay when you weren't?

**I didn't meet up with the jocks though because I knew it was stupid and Walter picked me up from school early. He looked mildly upset and I know that is what he's been feeling since I ended up in the hospital. I knew he was fighting with mom and for that I felt guilty. I reached over and put on my seat belt when I got in the car, hoping Walter wouldn't start lecturing me as well. I think he knew that too because he did start talking but it wasn't a lecture.**

**"I know you're not okay Drake."**

**I nod.**

**Why would I lie when it was basically true?**

**"I know I'm not your dad and I don't want to be that man. I just always wanted to have that relationship with you that Josh has had with your mom. We never really bonded though and I understand I was never cool by your standards and everything but I have always been there when you needed to talk Drake. We've grounded you because we want you to know what you did and learn from your mistakes. We want you to do well-"**

**"I know," I cut him off quickly. "I want that bond to. I don't think of you of my father because you aren't him. You wouldn't hurt mom that way and I respect you for that, I always have. So what you're a goof. I'm glad you're in my life Walter. I love you."**

**Walter was speechless after that for almost the whole car ride to the counselor's office until just before the turn into the parking lot where he finally brought the courage to say something.**

**"I'd like that Drake. We don't have to start big. We could see a hockey or baseball game, we could bowl or golf, and see a movie together. You aren't a bad kid Drake but there's a point in someone's life where someone needs help and you finally admitted the first step so why not get better?"**

**I nod letting a small smile grace my lips.**

**"Sure Walter."**

**I humored him. It wasn't that easy especially with that incident in my head all the time. I nearly flinched when he brought up bowling but I kept it all to myself. You know why? Because I could tell he was genuinely cared. He was making an effort and that was all that mattered. **

You should have told him that you hated him, Josh thought. You should have told him that you didn't want that bond or you should have just said nothing. Silence would have been the same thing in the end. You know why Drake, Josh thought madly. You got close to him and then look what you did. You made sure that he wouldn't ever be able to go into our room ever again. I've never seen him look so lost and I know it's because of you. He doesn't want to believe you are gone because he thought he was helping you but no, you took what you needed from him and then basically spat it all up in his face.

You were selfish.

Josh couldn't help it. Drake was in the way that he thought he could renew a bond just before taking his life. You tried, you honestly tried taking your own life and it wasn't me who found you Drake. You wanted me to and I get the feeling you did but it wasn't. It doesn't make it any better but now he can't enter there anymore and he goes to work just to get his mind off of what he himself had seen. You should know how that is Drake because you had to see someone else die remember? Or did you get to the point that you just didn't care?

**Blood.**

**I took a deep breath as I continued to color and glance at the counselor who was assigned to help me. Her name was Cindy. Her name and face both reminded me of that Grinch movie but then again she looked so uncaring that I wondered how she was going to help me. My therapist showed more compassion in five minutes alone then she did the whole hour. But could she see how even the color red was starting to bug me? I hope not. I look down before I get an idea. Cindy is thirty four and it's no surprise that she takes some combination of medications. She knows what they do but I was curious.**

**"So you have hypertension," I say idly as she nodded her head in agreement. "My step father had explained to my little sister Megan one time that those little orange pills he takes helps to thin the blood so that his blood pressure doesn't get too high. Am I wrong?"**

**"Drake as interesting as it is to know about these different medications I think it's time to talk about you," She said earnestly. "I've been waiting for you to begin to show interest and now I think we should stick to a topic that centers around why you're here."**

**I nod.**

**"Of course. I'm here because I drank Bleach. It's no big deal though."**

**It was but I could tell that she didn't seem to particularly care.**

**"And you cut yourself Mr. Parker."**

**"Drake," I correct her with a frown. "I'm fine though or at least I like to think I'm fine."**

**She nods with a smile.**

**"Yes you are. The only thing I'm wondering right now is why you would want to do all that and make your parents worry about you."**

**I was confused. I think she lost me at the parents being worried about me. Walter and mom want to deny that there's anything wrong. They want me to get better quickly so it could return to what it once was. Me? I'm not okay and I'm not getting there quickly. But did she know that? I'd take that as a no.**

**"Your parents don't want you dead kid. Kids aren't supposed to be dead before their parents. Parents are supposed to die before-"**

**"I get it," I tell her. I really didn't but I went on. "So what happens if the parent is only fifteen years older than their kid? They are still expected to die before their kid?"**

**Cindy nodded.**

**"It's a parent's worst nightmare to have to bury their kid no matter how old they are. I wouldn't wish that on anybody."**

**"So what if that kid was murdered?" I ask curiously.**

**"It would still be tragic. A parent should never out live their kid."**

**I nod.**

**That was nice to know. Something I hadn't known before but okay bad things did happen to good people. I just wasn't a good person. But I went with her angle and got her talking about it and hopefully she would feed my curiosity as well.**

**"So blood pressure meds do work like that right?"**

**She nodded.**

**Bingo.**

**"But if you overdose on them then it would cause the blood pressure to be too low and you could slip into a coma," I added and she nodded again.**

**"It could kill you even," She continued with a frown. "You are mighty curious about the hypertension medication your father takes. You aren't planning anything are you?"**

**I shake my head.**

**"I was just confused as Walter was explaining it to my sister," I told her. "I want to live. That is why I'm here. If I didn't want to live I wouldn't have sought help after the ingestion of the Bleach-"**

**"Okay Drake. I think you don't need to see me four times a week anymore," She triumphantly told me. "You know you need help and you aren't suicidal. I'll see you on Monday okay?"**

**I nod with a smile.**

**"You could see Miss Bianca tomorrow for the therapy session and then you'll be free during the weekend to hang out and take a break. You still on those antidepressants we prescribed?"**

**I hadn't taken them and told mom that they discontinued it when she asked. It was a lot better than needing a little white pill that kept me functioning. I don't know why I didn't think of taking it though but I concluded it was my punishment. I made Paul unhappy enough that he took his own life. Why would I deserve to be happy?**

**"I take them every day," I lied.**

You didn't need to punish yourself. It wasn't your fault that Paul took some pills and thought it was either you or the highway. Josh sighed. Who was he kidding? Paul loved his brother so much it hurt and he didn't know Paul beyond his sister Taegan now but he knew that his family life hadn't been a good one. He felt bad though. All he had to do was take back that one day they went bowling and not invite Drake. Drake would be okay and he never would have seen or heard of Paul. Would they have met later? Maybe but he would still have Hannah and-he'd have to erase the whole being done with him too. Josh knew Drake didn't want him to feel guilty but he did and he felt horrible. It was his actions that caused this basically.

If only he had accepted that apology and never kicked Drake out of his life no matter how short of a time it was. Drake hadn't shown it but by then he should have known that he didn't know Drake's mind really well. And yet he used to be able to sense when he was upset. He felt bad because during that time Drake needed him and he hadn't let himself need Drake because he was mad. He wouldn't allow himself to forgive Drake for that same reason. And now he needed Drake.

But Drake didn't need him anymore.


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Twenty One

Josh managed to get back onto the bus and glanced at his clock. He would make it home in record time and be there for the awkward family dinner. He didn't know if he wanted to yet because everything was still so new. There was no Drake talking about his day or telling them his misadventures or complaining about Mrs. Hayfer. He wasn't doing anything anymore. He was laying in a hospital bed unresponsive and he wasn't sure if he would be able to see that. Good thing they had already went and would most likely not persuade him into going today.

He took a seat at the back of the bus and took the book out. He was almost done and he wanted to finish it today. He didn't want to delay it anymore. He didn't want to go another day wondering when Drake finally took the final turn and thought enough was enough. Lastly enough, he wanted to know who put him over the edge.

**I didn't mention how Hannah had visited during my hospital stay but she had. She was having this thing called Braxton Hicks where she would have false contractions and they were completely normal. She wasn't due for another month so I wasn't worried much. What I was worried about was bringing her down.**

**I went to her house following the weekend and told myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was doing this for her. I gave her a plastic bag upon her opening the door and kissed her cheek. I could definitely see the baby bump now. It was more prominent then two months ago even. There was this thing called quickening and the baby was in a position that if she ever went into labor, the baby would be able to be born. I was glad the baby was head down too because the baby seemed to have my stubborn trait.**

**"What brings you here?" she asked with a surprised smile.**

**"I made that for the baby," I tell her instead.**

**It was an old tape recorder that I basically stuffed inside a pink teddy bear. It was decorative and I made sure it was something that if anything ever happened my baby would still know my voice by the songs that I recorded into the tapes. It was the best I thought I could do with what I was doing.**

**"I'm breaking up with you," I brought up all of a sudden and she paused.**

**"That's not funny Drake. I love you and I forgive you easily enough but still not funny."**

**"I wasn't being funny," I admitted.**

**I didn't think she understood very much for she blinked in surprise. I guess she had a lot of surprises these days. She didn't know what to expect when I was in the hospital and finding out that I was admitted for an attempt on my life, she made sure to be there every day with some kind of snack and sealed it with a kiss on the lips.**

**No the difference was that I knew I wasn't good enough for her anymore. She should have dumped me earlier and realized that I wasn't someone she should have picked. She could have went with someone a lot better. Someone who didn't do this to her and make everyone in her school call her names. I still love her and sometimes the hardest thing someone must do when they love somebody that much was to let go. I convinced myself that that was what I was doing.**

**Hannah would be a dumb person to do that and she would prove her love to you if she went along with that. Josh knew that and hoped that Hannah wouldn't fall for his brother's crazy head notions. He wasn't thinking right. His head was all jumbled up and he was finding it hard to live the day to day life. He was severely depressed and was suffering from mental suicide. He needed help but he didn't need this. Please Hannah, Josh pleaded with himself.**

**"You weren't but I'm not letting you let me go," She said softly. "Because I love you, you are stuck with me. If you think it's that easy to leave me then there's the door but I won't give up on you. I love you Drake and I know you're scared. I wish you would tell me what's wrong. I don't think there's any issues that would make me overly stressed and I would like to help in any way I could honey. Tell me what's wrong."**

**I did the only thing that I could think of at the time.**

**"I've got to go."**

**She nods.**

**"You'll come back though right?"**

**I nod but didn't answer her. I didn't know and I didn't want to make promises that I couldn't keep. I didn't want to lie to her either though so I didn't know what I was doing.**

**"Just get a good night of sleep and come back. The baby is always so active when you're around and plays kick ball in my belly."**

**I manage a weak laugh.**

**I kiss the belly and feel the kick. That made me smile the most and I wasn't sure if it was something that would last but I was happy to know that there was someone that knew how to cheer me up even though I haven't told her everything. Did she know she knew she was doing it? Probably not but that was probably why I loved her anyways.**

Josh was sure too. Before his mother and father split up, they had once upon a time had the same expressions. Drake was in love and he gave that up too. He closed his eyes hoping that the next thing he read wasn't what made Drake think that suicide was going to be the only solution. He hoped that something happened that made him believe that he should give life a chance instead but that isn't what happened and he had a feeling it was something that was going to hurt him badly enough.

But most of all he wished he found out about all this then.

**Eric Harris and Kevin Whitman were jerks. Everybody in the school knew it too so when they told someone to be somewhere, they got mad when it didn't happen like they wanted it to. **

This had to be something that Josh would apprehend because they were also dangerous when they wanted to be. He just hoped they knew better than to mess with his brother but sadly it probably happened anyways. He would only know when it was too late to do anything.

**"Parker you didn't come last week. Why not?"**

**I stop and look over. I flip my hair out of my eyes and hope that they weren't going to expect me to answer that. I was picked up early so there was no way I could have done that. I pause though because I didn't want my ass kicked by school jocks either.**

**"I was picked up from school early."**

**I settled for the truth.**

**"Sure. I forgot that you had counseling. What for? Brushing your teeth with bleach again, are ya?"**

**I shook my head.**

**"Close enough though," I lamented lamely.**

**I could see Marcus smirking my way from down the hall and went to keep moving but I was intercepted by Kevin twisting my arm behind my back. I knew I could never get a break so I just let him.**

**"You leaving early today Parker?" Kevin asked snidely.**

**I shook my head.**

**"Good. Come to the field alone and if you think of even telling your little lover Joshie, I think we know what is going to happen right?"**

**I nod and they laughed.**

**"That's a good boy. Go flunk English and make us proud."**

**They laughed again at their stupid joke and I shook my head, leaving before they found that gesture rude. I was flunking though so they were accurate. I sat behind you and kept staring outside of the window hoping for freedom. I wish I could say that the best time had been when I had been out of school but then it was bad when I skipped too. Mrs. Hayfer went up to me as class was letting out.**

**"How are you doing Mr. Parker?"**

**I let a smile fall.**

**"I'm fine Mrs. Hayfer. My parents know that I'm flunking, they know that I need help and I am getting it. I've never been better."**

**She pursed her lips though.**

**"Really? I don't think you're fine at all. I wish you would stop lying to yourself. If you need anything at all I'm still here-"**

**"Why are you being nice now?" I ask. I can't help myself. "You say you hate me and I know you do. I know you hate me so why are you helping me?"**

**She just smiled a small sad smile at that.**

**"I don't want another student to feel like they don't belong. I don't want anybody to feel as though they need to die. In fact I don't really hate you Mr. Parker. I just don't like your attitude the majority of the time. You've always acted like life was easy and now I just want you to see that life gets better. You hear me?"**

**I nod despite realizing that she did this on purpose to gain my attention.**

**"I understand but I don't think I'll need anything. I'm really feeling better Mrs. Hayfer."**

**"Really? You're still not getting the sleep you desperately need."**

**Before I could ask I realized why Mrs. Hayfer picked up on everything I did. Over the years she must've learned to find a lie in everything I said. I just nodded instead and thought about ways to cover my exhaustion up. If she could see it then somebody else could too. I didn't want that happening though.**

**"I'm going to get it," I told her quickly.**

**She nodded.**

**I didn't feel like myself in that instant. I didn't because I knew that Mrs. Hayfer would never do that. Not me. I was Drake and I didn't need anybody but apparently I did. Apparently I now needed help. I was no longer reaching out though and everybody was trying. I wished that everybody could see that I stopped wanting it. I just wanted to be left alone now.**

**All that time he wanted someone to help. When he was reaching out he was grounded, humiliated, and made to think he was not worth anyone's time. Now was the point he stopped and wanted to be left alone. Now everyone was asking if he needed help and asked how he was feeling. He gave up. They just started.**

**It just wasn't right.**

**I didn't wait for them at the field that day either. I didn't think they would take it too personally. Maybe I was just looking for that last strike, that last push so that I could safely say I didn't want to be here anymore. Or maybe I just didn't care. All I know was that it didn't matter after I made that decision not to listen to those jocks. **

Josh closed his eyes and bit his lip. Drake shouldn't have cared. He should have still gone to him no matter what people thought because Drake used to be like that. He used to not care. When was it that he started caring about everything and second guessing himself? He knew though. It was after he threw him out of his life and then took him back like it never happened. He forgot but Drake never did. He never would even after Josh did and that hurt him in the long run. Something that showed for the first time that Drake did have feelings and that he did feel. Josh felt guilty even more because he hadn't thought past the anger and now he was paying for it. He was losing Drake despite not wanting to think about it.


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter twenty two

**The jocks didn't waste time when they found out I ditched. I'd like to say that I saw that coming but I didn't think they would be that quick. They gave me a good beating all the while holding my arms behind my back and covering my mouth to keep me from screaming out. It really hurt and I even think I broke a rib or two when they beat me. They dropped me down to the side when they were done with their little session that was anything but little and looked down as I breathed deeply and tried to take deep breaths without crying out.**

**"You're a pathetic waste of space Parker I just hope that you know that," Eric said cracking his knuckles.**

**I hurriedly nodded wincing when his fist came to settle near my face. He just smirked and punched me just when I thought he would pass up the opportunity. I guess it was bad on me.**

**"You are better off taking a bottle of pills Parker. Did you realize that nobody cares and your whining excuses are making them have to care," Kevin added. "But let's face it, who cares about somebody who tries getting attention by drinking Bleach. Want a better way to get bent Parker you minus well hang yourself."**

**Eric laughed in agreement. **

**I hardly knew any of the other jocks but they continued to jeer and laugh about it that I began to wish they would just leave. They stayed though and crouched near my pathetic form as I bit my lip against the chilly air.**

**"Hey Parker, please don't tell anybody. We didn't mean much. You don't even have to hang yourself if you'd like. I just want you to know that if you ever need anybody they did prescribe you a bottle of pills that could be your friend!" **

**They ended up laughing again. I slowly let myself see something even after they left and I took the painful walk home. Couldn't help that you had the car because of your job and I wouldn't call Hannah for this. She didn't need to witness all of this and she was already stressed because her useless boyfriend couldn't do anything right. I paused though and headed there anyways, making sure to wipe away any blood from my face as I came closer.**

**She greeted me with a smile and frowned when she saw that I wasn't. I was actually glad the baby kicked as soon as I laid my head on her lap and closed my eyes momentarily. I had therapy the next day and I didn't want to hold up all night there even though I think I may be safe. I was safe and I hoped what I was doing was right.**

**"I want to marry you," I told her and in one second wish I didn't even say that. She was happy yes, but my heart began to speed up and I wished I could take that back because I didn't know if I even was going to do that.**

**"You know I will. When do you want to-"**

**"Can we leave here," I quickly continued. I couldn't stop and it hurt to breathe a bit but I pushed on. "I'll do anything, I just want to leave now."**

**Hannah frowned.**

**"Where would we go and where would we live?" She asked smartly. "I love you and I will marry you gladly but I don't want to hastily leave everything behind without a plan. Is there a reason you want to leave everything behind Drake? You know I shouldn't be traveling when the baby is due soon-"**

**"It was stupid. You'd still marry me?" I asked then with a small smile gracing my lips. I think this was what I needed.**

**"Of course I'd marry you. I may not be in school and I may need to do online classes to get a GED but I do love you. I have never loved anybody more than I do you though. Can I say that you make me happy? Without you our baby wouldn't be here either."**

**"We didn't plan it," I pointed out.**

**"No we didn't but we love the kid more than anything and you are nothing like your dad Drake. The baby isn't nothing to you." I look up into her smiling face and she continued. "I saw the gift. I do know that it isn't a normal every day daddy that would do that but a special daddy that loves their baby with all their heart."**

**I nod keeping myself from crying. I kissed her then just to feel her closer to me. I felt the baby too and saw that the baby seemed to want to be noticed as well. I rubbed her belly with a smile and snuggled closer to her.**

**"I need to go but I'll be back tomorrow," I promise. **

**She nodded.**

**"So is that a proposal to marry me Drake?"**

**I nodded.**

**For the first time I knew what I wanted and I wouldn't have to suffer much longer. I'll get the help I needed if only for Hannah. I could do that too I told myself. I could only hope for her and the baby's sake that I could.**

**I didn't want to disappoint her.**

If Josh happened to see that stupid jock around now he was seriously going to punch him in the stomach. He hated that they felt the need to tell Drake that but he was glad Hannah saw reason to help Drake see that he could still live and get through the challenge. But it wasn't over. There was still two weeks left and then Drake was going to take his life. Whatever happened between that time he had to know and he hoped that whatever it was, didn't make Josh another enemy too. He could only hope.

**"So how are you doing Drake?"**

**I forget how many therapists I have been going through but I think I found somebody who was helping me. Robin was a nice kind lady and she really seemed like she was there to help me. I wanted to be helped at this point and this was the last chance I was giving myself. The one last shot. If she couldn't help me then nobody could.**

**"Not too good," I finally say out loud. I felt a weight as though it was lifted off of my chest but she continued to frown.**

**"I thought we were making progress Drake."**

**"I was beat up the other day and they told me I should go home and take the whole bottle of antidepressants," I admitted lamely.**

**She nodded.**

**"I wanted to but then I really don't want to because I'm engaged. I love her and I don't want to really die. Not really but I think I need to get back to the other side of the fence so to speak ya know?"**

**"You really would listen to those kids? Kids are cruel but they probably didn't mean for you to go home and take your own life. Did you tell your teachers or the principal?"**

**"I'm not a snitch," I told her quickly.**

**"I know but you should tell someone if they make you feel this way. Talk to your parents or your siblings. You aren't going to get better if you continue to leave them out of the loop." I nodded. That seemed fair.**

**"Another thing. You shouldn't be getting married too young. You should go to college and get a career before even thinking of it. I could tell you already asked though. Does your mother know?" I shook my head numbly. "A lot of teenage romances don't last Drake. I think you should really break off the engagement and really think about it okay?"**

**I let myself nod even though I don't believe it. I wanted to change the subject so I took a deep breath and brought up the one thing I couldn't get out of my mind no matter how much I tried.**

**"A kid who really liked me shot himself in the head once I couldn't tell him I loved him honestly," I told her truthfully my mouth going dry in anticipation to her answer.**

**"And?" She asked looking up with a frown.**

**"I drank bleach after that," I said with a growing frown. "I try to forget the incident but I can't seem to. I literally have his blood on my hands."**

**"Here's what you could do Drake and I'm sure it will help you just fine," She replied after a moment of consideration. "Here it is; get over it."**

**I frowned visibly now and she just continued.**

**"It's not your fault even though you may make yourself think it is. It isn't something you'll let yourself forget until you get over it. Once you do then you'll feel better. See? You'll feel better in no time. I think you could discontinue the antidepressants and just talk to your family. It seems more of a familial problem than anything else."**

**I allowed myself to nod but I didn't feel good at this point. I was so sure she would help but I was wrong. I guess now I had to take the initiative. I had to reach out one more time.**

And by the looks of it now he hadn't found anybody, Josh thought looking out the window. Didn't anybody see that what their actions did brought him to the end point. Nobody was totally innocent and yet nobody seemed to know that Drake was on a downward spiral. He just wanted to see what the people who did the most damage felt about it now. If it was anything like the reaction from Chris Thomas then it was probably a lot. He didn't know why they were so pale though. He will though, he thought dismally. He was going to find out and he knew he wasn't going to like it.


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Twenty three

**The jocks were waiting for me the following morning at school. I don't think anybody realized it yet but it was starting to hurt to talk to anybody at school. I really wanted to stay home but knew that that wouldn't be an option with mom and Walter would want me to go to the doctor's so I went against my better judgment.**

**"Didn't find the bottle of pills appetizing Parker?" Kevin asked snidely.**

**Eric laughed.**

**I said nothing and they continued or at least Kevin did. It seemed that Eric needed people surrounding them before he could make fun of anybody. He was shallow. That was what he was but I decided not to say anything that would make him mad. **

**"Want some birth control Parker? Oh I guess it's too late because your slut is having your kid-"**

**I turned to face Kevin and really wanted to hurt him then. I didn't care what he said about me but Hannah wasn't a slut. He got silent after that and the creature seemed to take notice as she walked up. You were no where in sight but I wasn't worried yet. She glared and took my arm leading me away. I wonder if you said something to her. I guess I'll never know but she seemed way too nice that day and I always thought that it was you. It made me think if I really did a good job at hiding the pregnancy from you and if you're reading this and hadn't known then I guess Mindy was just having an off day.**

**"Listen don't listen to them. I know that they are just trying to goad you. Ever since Paul's suicide I've been seeing you struggle and I don't know what happened but I much rather have that kid back that I loved to trade words with. You aren't bad Drake and I know about the baby. You are going to be a great daddy, you don't have to listen to them-"**

**"You think I'd be a good daddy?"**

**Mindy nodded.**

**"Come on Drake I've known since you introduced Hannah at the Halloween party. Everyone else may have had fleeting thoughts but I wasn't stupid and I noticed the bump. I also noticed you both sneaking out of the room. She's not the same type of girl you usually date and I know you love her."**

**I nod with a sigh.**

**"Mindy what do I do? I don't want anybody to hate me but they will once they find out about the baby-"**

**"Josh won't ever hate you and everyone else will learn to accept the baby along with Hannah. Anyone that matters anyways. Isn't that what you taught Josh anyways?" She confused me, she really did. She continued to clear it up. "Josh told me that you said he should date whoever he wanted and it didn't matter what whoever else thought. It was incredibly sweet especially when he worries about what you would think. You are a good person, I just wish you would have shown it more in the past."**

**"My dad wasn't. I didn't want to be like him but now I am. He forgot and I didn't want to but I forgot too-" I trail off and Mindy looks over in concern. I allow myself to smile and quickly left, ignoring what she had to say. I hoped that she wouldn't tell you Josh. I hope she wouldn't go over what we've talked about. But I wanted you to know I do care about you and I didn't mean for everything to go this far.**

If only you would wake up so I could forgive you Drake, Josh thought. I really would like to but I would like it more if you could wake up and tell me you were alright yourself. But it isn't going to be that way is it Drake? I should visit you but first I should finish this book.

Josh quickly made his way home and past his dad and mom. They were in the kitchen with grammy and looked grim. He didn't want to know. Just as he was heading up the stairs, Audrey appeared with a worried expression.

"Tomorrow afternoon we're going to visit Drake. Are you up to it this time?"

Josh didn't want to, he really didn't but he supposed that it could have been worse. He didn't know what he was going to do though once he saw Drake and could see Megan standing there out of the corner of his eyes. He mustered up a sigh finally and nodded.

"I'm gonna come. I'll be there."

Audrey quickly disappeared back into the kitchen and he wondered what it was that was going on. Megan came up to him with a teary eye expression on her face without saying anything.

"I know you hate this, I bet you really do but it'll get easier. Just visit him and you'll see. I wish you could see-"

"It's not going to be better," Josh quickly interrupted. "We didn't see Drake's pain Megan. We never even looked for it but we couldn't see it either. We all failed him and now we have to live with that. How it could get better from that, I will never know but I hope you see it for what it is. It's not any better than it was last week when he did it was it?"

Megan only managed to shake her head weakly.

"I know. I wake up every day and I feel the loss as though it happened yesterday. It doesn't change and I know it's worse for you because he's your blood brother. Brings things into perspective doesn't it?"

He quickly closed the door to him room and locked it so Megan couldn't get in. He then sat at the couch and opened the book back up. He couldn't clear his head no matter how hard he tried but he could find out what ever happened of Drake's will to live. Something happened and Drake tried to end his life. He was closer to getting to the reason but even farther from feeling better. He now had a new understanding for Drake though. He held on until he let go. Before he let go though he tried to hold on as hard as he could until it got to be too much.

**The jocks followed me after school each day. I don't think they really wanted to beat me up again and by assuming it, I knew I was wrong. They beat me up again a couple of times and never once did I see it coming. I was getting tired of them. I went home after one particular beating where I swear that Kevin had kicked me bad in the throat. I could say now that I really feel for you Josh. Kicks in the throat really hurt. I didn't think I could bring myself to say that to you though. **

**I went into the kitchen and tried drinking bleach again. It was attention seeking wasn't it? Everyone thought it was and I wanted to really die today I guess. I kept trying to get as much bleach as I could get into my mouth but you and Megan caught me-and yelled at me as you tried forcing milk into my stomach. **

**"You boob! Do you just live to give us a heart attack?" I know Megan was angry but it might have been a bit much. I could never talk to her about the stuff I talked to you about and you just shook your head. I knew I did wrong then.**

**"Is there anything else you took?" Your question confused me but at that moment I didn't care because my throat was burning badly. After many attempts at drinking the vile substance I think I damaged my throat. **

**Mom took me to the hospital and it was the same seventy-two. This time I refused to speak to anyone and even if I tried it hurt. They told me it should be going down soon but it didn't. They said it would take some time after that and that I damaged the lining in my throat. I was sent home and was told to drink a lot of water. Again it hurt but I tried. I was really trying. By the time school came around on Friday, the day I would talk to my therapist I chose instead to see the school counselor. Everything bad happening in my life made me realize that I shouldn't be spending all this time trying to make them feel good. I didn't have an obligation to them and I think I just finished dying inside. I didn't even feel anything when Hannah visited. Nothing. I was empty. I didn't want that feeling and I gave myself a last ditch attempt to get out of it even though my voice was hoarse and I could barely talk.**

**"I wanted to talk to you."**

**"Oh Drake come right in. I know you've been having a lot of problems right?" I nodded.**

**"I've been thinking about killing myself," I rasped and she looked subdued for a moment before perking up.**

**"You have so much to live for Drake. Why on earth would you want to do a thing like that? You shouldn't ruin your beautiful skills in that band you play. Maybe you should tell me and I could help you see how much you are needed."**

**I nod.**

**"To tell you the truth I didn't think you'd help me," I reply. "I have a problem and I've seen things I didn't want to see. I have nightmares about them every time I try to close my eyes. Can you tell me what I could do about that? It's in my head and I can't get it out-"**

**"Silly if you forgive and forget you could get by just right," She interrupted.**

**I opened my eyes and stared at her dumbstruck. This was the same thing the therapist had said and if I knew I probably wouldn't have wasted my voice. I was getting a little back and I knew it was going to take a while to regain full usage if that. I didn't particularly care anymore. Who knew that mom was going to mix that bleach with another cleaning agent at the same time I was going to swallow it? I didn't and now I was paying for it.**

**"So I forget about it and forgive them for it before I pretend it never happened?" I ask to make sure I got it right.**

**She nods with a cheerfulness I wish I had myself.**

**"Could I help you with anything else Drake? I think you should talk to somebody about it if you're still feeling down. Talking helps too."**

**I nod.**

**I wasn't but she wasn't going to know that. Know something else? That was a bad counselor. Not once did she report that she thought I was suicidal like a counselor should have. I wonder what she would think when it became known I did what I was thinking of doing. Maybe she would cry or maybe she would run out and not return to the school. No matter what she does in the future she didn't help me. I don't think she would forget either though. Sadly enough I hope she could forgive me for what I was planning and forget me soon after that. It's the same advice she gave me and I hope she followed what she preached.**

Jasmine did look pale and sweaty when it was announced in school and at lunch she ran out of the school and to her car in such a hurry everyone thought her dog had died. But no, sadly enough it seemed like Drake's suicide affected another person. Are you happy Drake? She felt guilty and maybe it was only because she thought you were playing that she gave you that horrid advice but she didn't pull the trigger or supply you with the means. You found it and did that yourself.

**I stayed home on Monday complaining of not feeling well. Mom wanted to stay home but I convinced her that I was a big boy. I had things to do and I needed everyone out of the house. It was once everyone was gone that I began doing what it was I had on my list. Firstly I owed Spin City records a lot for taking my song and making it known. I didn't want to leave without giving them more material so I put everything in a box that I have worked on including song lyrics and then I taped it up in a box and sent it out. **

**Yes I walked out of the house and to the post office. I know I was playing hooky but I wasn't really sick. Not in body anyways. I went back and decided to write, to explain what it was I was doing. If you see anybody pale or go green when you hear this, it's not because of the fact that I'll be gone but because they will know that I am telling you everything. My most hated enemies were the ones that did everything. I decided not to favor anyone and just photocopied everything. I decided that since I was going everyone else involved had the right to understand.**

**Except you.**

**I didn't write this so that you would think I'm blaming you. It was not my intention. And if you do then I'm sorry. I couldn't make you realize that none of anything I did was your fault. You tried to help. I remember the times you tried to comfort me in the middle of my nightmares. The only times I felt safe during those times was when you would try to talk to me despite everything that was happening. I love you man and you're the best brother ever.**

**I think I wrote six different books by the time I was done. I would have made a pretty good writer too I surmised but sadly enough I don't think anyone would want this morbid book published. **

**Wednesday Walter stayed home too and I just stayed on the living room couch with him watching a movie. I don't think he legitimately had an excuse to skip work either but it felt nice. He even made me laugh when we watched a scary movie and he was more scared of it than I was. Before exhaustion took over I rolled over and hugged him saying, "I know you aren't sick but thanks for staying anyways dad." I think he liked it. I don't know because I fell asleep but he seemed happier. Maybe because I suddenly felt that I should treat him not as my biological father but as a father that has met all of my needs. I wish he were my dad anyways. I would have liked to meet Bailey and Bella as well but I guess it would be too late now to ask. **

Josh saw there was only a few more paragraphs to go and didn't want it to end. He wanted Drake to continuously keep it up because he felt he was going to lose that connection to his brother. He read on despite that hoping that he at least said something that didn't make Josh cry.

**I know you are probably wondering how I came to do it. I know it's something that I didn't really think of doing until now but I did think of the various methods. I thought real hard. I didn't want to hang myself or blow my head off. I didn't want that mess to be yours to deal with. I even thought about pills but I didn't want to be resuscitated. I didn't really think of either way but I did find Walter's pills to help out tremendously. I took one every day for that week when I was staying out of school. I probably seemed down to you guys and you probably decided I deserved a week off to get better, to feel like myself. But I already told myself that I was going to school on Friday. I wasn't going to be back on Monday so I told myself that it would be okay.**

**Friday morning came and I was the happiest person alive it seemed. I greeted you guys and helped mom with breakfast. I knew she was worried but I didn't care. I wanted each moment to count that day. When I asked what everyone was doing I was trying to determine when you would be home. Then I went to school and acted like the last eight and a half months hadn't happened. Eight in a half months was enough to feel left out, trapped, and wanting to die. I was only happy because I knew I was going to die, not might. I wasn't going to have to go through this long enough anymore. Mrs. Hayfer even did her standard, 'Oh and Drake I hate you.' I smiled and said my, 'I know.' She probably really didn't but oh well.**

**I finally went to the premiere after eight in a half months of staying away and made Helen a happy woman again. She talked to me for a few moments but then I left and you continued to work without suspicion. I was glad. Megan was home but she was going to Janey's. She gave me an evil eye though and continued to go, ignoring my happy go lucky attitude. If anybody were to ask, I would have told them it just seemed like a special day to me. I don't know, maybe it would be the worst day to some people. I waited until our parents were upstairs and then went into the bathroom knowing that Megan was leaving soon and wouldn't care if I was there for more than a few minutes.**

**I had already cleaned our room so that you wouldn't have to worry about it being a mess when I was gone. I straightened the living room and kitchen as well before heading to the bathroom and locking the door. I stared into the mirror at my reflection and hefted a sigh before taking five of Walter's tiny pills. I turned on the shower and got down to my boxers before getting in. I knew the difference between attention and dying and I think nobody realized it. Now it would be too late. I am going to slash my wrists then and let the water clean everything so that you won't have to worry about finding me in a pool of my own blood. It will be like I'm asleep but not really. Not ever. Maybe some people will cry, maybe some won't. I'm leaving this where I know you will find it Josh and maybe now you understand why I did what I did. It doesn't mean you have to agree with me though either.**

Josh wiped at his eyes but didn't miss the number at the bottom. He stared at it for a moment before choking back a sob and deciding to try to get the sleep he could so that he could call at a decent hour. Eleven at night was too late for it and he didn't know who it could be. He sighed and laid back trying to erase the thought of Drake's only option being to take the pills and slash his wrists.

When he did that he didn't know that Walter was going to bang on the door or that he would eventually get it open only to find out that Drake was passed out and unresponsive. He wouldn't even know that Walter cried as he told Megan to call the ambulance. He would try to help Drake until the ambulance arrived and by then the paramedics would have to resuscitate him a couple more times from the house just to get his heart to start again. By then he was going to suffer the brain damage from not having enough oxygen to his brain during that time.

Drake wouldn't know what life was like outside of school now. He wouldn't realize how it could have gotten once he left San Diego behind and he would never ever think of what he had done because he couldn't. He didn't know that Walter couldn't go back into that bathroom and even passing by it in the hallway made him break down in tears. Drake may have been a step son but he was like his second kid and he thought that Drake was going to be okay. So seeing that really changed Walter and now he was trying to get by the day just remembering the Drake before everything had happened. But it wasn't working. Walter was hurting, their mom was hurting, and Megan was hurting. Drake didn't think this through.

He let hurt that would have lasted less than three more months get the better of him and now he was no longer here and nobody was ever the same.

Are you happy now Drake?


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

* * *

Chapter Twenty four

Josh called the number first thing and was surprised when a female voice came through the other end of the phone. He didn't know the exact number but he was sure that Drake was only seeing one girl.

"Who's this?" she sounded easily tired and Josh could only wonder why Drake only left the number at the end of the book.

"This is Josh, I was wondering if-"

"You're Drake's brother." It was definite. No question about who Josh was, just that statement.

"Yes I am. I was wondering, is this Hannah-"

"I'll meet you in the park," She quickly answered before hanging up the phone. He was no expert but he knew that there had to be more than the traditional greeting if she wanted to meet with him right away. He didn't hesitate though and quickly got dressed, running into Megan in the hallway who tried to stop him.

"You coming this afternoon?" she asked tearfully.

"I don't even know Megan but I need to go right now-"

"So typical. I sometimes wish you could see what you do to us!" Megan shouted.

"Me? Look what Drake did-"

"He did what he thought was right but at least he went through with it. You didn't even keep a single promise you made since the day Drake was taken to the hospital!" Megan shouted.

"I don't want to see Drake that way! Is it too hard to understand?" Josh asked angrily.

Megan crossed her arms angrily as well.

"No it's understandable but you've refused for a whole week. Some of us would think you were in denial if they didn't know how selfish you were."

"Me selfish?" Josh asked. "I'm not the one that is causing this family to fall apart. Remember that it was Drake that did it all. Drake-"

"Drake would have visited already!" Megan shouted and then abruptly turned around in anger.

Josh didn't stop to see if she was alright. He went over to the park to await the meeting of the girl that changed Drake and in turn caused him to find love for the first time ever.

"Hi. Sorry I'm late but Madison has been a little booger lately. She doesn't like settling down without hearing his voice so I have to crank her toy up to five times a night sometimes."

He turned around and saw her then. She was prettier than when he first saw her. She had long brown hair tied back in ponytail and bright blue eyes. She had with her a stroller and inside was a little baby girl sleeping soundly inside her car seat. He could see the similarities between her and Drake though already. Her features were a lot like his. All she seemed to have from the mother was the bright blue eyes whilst everything else spelled Drake from the dark auburn hair to the little freckles already adorning her small little face.

"I'm sorry I didn't meet you before now." Josh said after a moment of silence.

"It's alright. Drake didn't know what to do but he didn't want to make you think it was because he hated you. I love Drake, I really do but sometimes he could be so bull headed. Same as Maddy I guess."

"Maddy? So that's daddy's little girl," Josh asked a little teary eyed all of a sudden.

Hannah nodded.

"Yeah. I thought about honestly giving her up but I couldn't bare it. Drake's still in the hospital and I know that he can't hear us or anything but I know that a part of him lives inside her. I miss him so so much and Maddy looks like him a lot, but I can't give her up. I can't give up on the last part that reminds me of him. I love him and now I love her too. If he wakes up I'll show him how much and I'll apologize for not leaving when he asked. I should have. I know that now."

"You visited him?" Josh felt a little bad now. She was pregnant and she visited him more than Josh had. He was only there initially and then he couldn't bare to see him after that but she was there as it seemed every day.

She nodded.

"Twice a day and then Maddy was born and I went down to once a day and sometimes even every other day. Have you seen him at all?" She asked all of a sudden.

He shook his head.

"You should meet Drake's mom and our dad. They would be happy to know that there was one thing that made Drake happy whilst he was going through all this-"

"I made him happy?"

It surprised him that she didn't know how much she made him happy just by being her. He nodded anyways and watched as she wiped more tears from her eyes.

"He put you on a high pedestal and worshipped the ground you walked on. He loves you a whole lot, more than you could ever know-"

"I think I do. I'll meet them. Don't worry I just need to worry about Maddy right now and you have my number. Just let me know when you're ready and I'll come. Maddy needs a nap though."

Josh nodded again.

It was hard and after she was gone he saw that Mindy was calling.

"What is it Mindy?" he asked.

"I need to talk to you."

He sighed and was about to answer when a hand came out and hung up the phone for him. He turned to see Mindy there and wondered when she saw where he was. It didn't really matter though. She seemed madly upset and couldn't even imagine why. He sighed and tried to honestly find out but his mind went blank.

"You need to see your brother. You need to today," Mindy started.

Josh shook his head.

"I told myself I wanted to but I can't Mindy. What if he's dead? What if he never wakes up? What if I never get to tell him goodbye-"

"I know you're scared and I know that it is the unknown that is keeping you from being there now but you need to. Drake deserves to know that you care. He deserves to have his brother visit him in the hospital okay? It's okay Josh. I know it's hard and I know that Drake has been the one factor in your life that you have always counted on. It's going to be hard because he won't be here when you need that extra boost and that is why you're scared. That's why you can't come and I know that but get that one push that you need and visit your brother."

"Why?" Josh asked angrily. "What good would it do now? He can't hear me and he very well could be a vegetable for life. Even then he won't ever be the same."

"Because if you don't go to see your brother and something happens then you will live the rest of your life regretting it. You'll regret it for life and you'll forever wish you could go back in time to this moment and take it all back. You'll want that closure and you won't even have that."

"I want to go further back and just have my brother back Mindy," Josh finally whispered. He found himself crying his eyes out then. It was like a damn of emotions that he held in all week long whilst reading that little black book and wondering why he hadn't come to him. Everything Drake said and everything he went through put a tiny whole in that damn each time and the fact that he didn't come to Josh like he always had. It hurt him to think that Drake thought that way and it hurt even more to realize that under everything Drake was just as vulnerable if not more than Josh had ever been.

And it hurt because Mindy was right. Drake wasn't going to be there when he was excited and wanted to tell somebody about it. He always told Drake and Drake would always have something to say. He wouldn't be able to get advice from him or have a crazy adventure that always seemed bizarre but in the end always had a satisfying ending. He would never be able to tell all his heart felt secrets to Drake and know there was another person who understood but most of all he lost a piece of himself today without even realizing it. Drake was more than all those things. He was his brother and he was the person that was always there. Now he just felt empty. He had nothing that could help and he could only lean on Mindy as he cried and suffered the new felt pain he was trying to deny.

He tried denying this and now it was hitting ten times harder than ever before. But Mindy was still there and he could only hope she wasn't going anywhere either.

Because he didn't know if he could take it.


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I don't own Drake and Josh.

warning: May be a little tear jerker alert for some of you.

* * *

Chapter twenty five

Megan was near the door when he finally made it past the front desk of the hospital. It took a while. He sat in the car debating whether he could get himself to go and finally he had the car door opened before he realized what he was doing and found himself in front of the desk. He then got the room number and spotting Megan easily, he wondered why she was crying.

"Megan-"

"You're finally here," She announced with a sad smile. She frowned and quickly ushered Josh towards the room.

"Wait why are you-did something happen to Drake?" Josh asked suddenly.

Megan hesitated before nodding.

"Josh, Drake is brain dead. He was diagnosed with it about forty-eight hours ago and that's why we've been trying to get you here to the hospital." Megan paused to catch her breath. She didn't want to be sobbing right now. Her older step brother needed her to be calm right now but it was hard. "Mom kept him on life support knowing that you would want to say good bye to him. I know we should have told you but we didn't want you losing hope because in a way you still believed that he would be okay-"

"Is it my fault?" Josh asked suddenly.

He couldn't believe it. A part of him knew that Drake was dead when he was called at work a week ago and Helen had told him he had to get to the hospital. He knew it had been weird because Helen never let him take off unless it involved Drake being in trouble. But Drake had tried to kill himself, and Helen had basically told him as much when she had told him it was Drake and that they had taken him to the hospital. Maybe it was because he thought he had taken Bleach again that he was so angry at first but upon seeing Walter so upset and trembling was when he first he realized it was so much worse. By then he let go of the anger but he knew it wasn't going to change anything by then.

"Josh, it was nobody's fault," Megan answered with a hitch in her voice. "Think about it honestly. Drake went into cardiac arrest a total of eight times. Six of those times was just getting him to the hospital because they had a lot of trouble getting his heart beating again. The last two was before they got his stomach pumped and a new cocktail of drugs into his body. Until yesterday they had medication that was keeping his blood pressure up but now-"

"What?" Josh interrupted her. "Now that he's brain dead and we know he's not ever going to regain consciousness, we are going to let him die?"

Megan nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. It was hard on her when she found out but this was Josh and Josh really really loved Drake despite all that he went through whenever Drake had something in his mind. Half of those crazy adventures would never have happened if it hadn't been for him but something told her that Josh wouldn't have it any other way.

"Why?" Josh asked quietly.

"He's brain is dead Josh," Megan said just as quietly. "He's suffering and soon if he doesn't get put on bypass, he's going to be stuck on that for the rest of his life too. Do you want your brother like that Josh? Do you want him to be stuck living life breathing through a tube? Do you want him to be connected to wires for the rest of his life when he won't ever regain consciousness?"

Josh shook his head and looked towards the door. It didn't matter that nobody thought it was his fault. He felt like it was. He turned back to Megan momentarily and she had tears in her eyes.

"If you want to blame anyone, you could blame me," She told him surprisingly.

"You didn't push him to this," Josh told her calmly.

He didn't feel very calm though.

"I often threatened him with whatever he was doing at the time that if he didn't stop those actions, he would find himself breathing through a tube," Megan answered honestly letting the tears fall freely now. "I didn't mean for it to be this way though. I didn't want him breathing through a tube and I didn't want for him to be dead. I didn't want my brother to die Josh and I wanted him to be here always. Why did this have to happen?"

Josh shrugged.

"Whatever happened wasn't your fault Megan. He just wanted to die and nothing anyone does is going to change that. He's dead and it's nobody's fault just like you said."

It was the ones that bullied him but he knew that Megan would feel bad that she didn't find that out and there was already so much stuff to regret. He didn't want her to have to regret more than she already had so he wouldn't say anymore on the subject.

"Go visit Drake now and say goodbye," Megan told him. "You'd regret it if you didn't tell him goodbye."

Josh headed inside hesitantly and seeing Drake with those tubes and wires made him tear up. Sitting at his bedside, he finally took his hands which was cold. He found himself tearing up as reality hit him now that he saw it with his own two eyes. Drake was on life support and he wasn't really alive. He was dead in every way that counted. Even if he was kept alive for years now, he wasn't going to be the same person he knew. He wasn't even going to be awake. He couldn't and that made him all the more sadder when he realized he wasn't getting his brother back. In fact after today he would have to get used to the fact that he was losing his brother.

"Drake," he called out softly.

Drake didn't stir but he didn't expect him to although a part of him wished he would. He bit his lip to keep from crying out and continued to rub his hands. It wasn't natural seeing Drake like this and being so cold. He should be warm, he thought rubbing them throughly to bring friction to them.

"Drake I know you can't hear me but a part of me hopes that you can. I want you to know that I don't blame you and I understand. I don't get why you couldn't come to me but I understand. I hope you didn't suffer much and that you are at peace with everything."

He paused and bit his lip again, thinking about what he could say that he should. This was going to be the last time and he didn't want Drake to think he hated him. He didn't want him to feel like even after all this had happened that Josh would blame him so badly that he would hate him for everything he did. Even if this was breaking Josh's heart he wasn't going to make anything anyone's fault. Drake was the best friend he had ever had and he couldn't stand the fact he was going to lose him but he was.

"Drake I know you thought you were a lot of things. You thought you had to hide it because you believed that you were a disappointment and just so you know, your father was wrong. He wasn't a very good dad and he may have messed you up some but you were always you if that makes sense and I love you for it. You're my brother and I'm proud to say that. You were never a disappointment Drake. You hear me? I will always be proud to have you too."

The bandages on his wrists covered the scars resulting from those who had hurt him but Josh didn't care about that. He reached over and hugged him as much as he could without interrupting the machines. He tried to tell himself that the machines needed to stay and that Drake could still come through but if he believed that then what would happen if it didn't happen. He didn't want to be set up for failure.

"I saw your kid and she's basically a miniature version of you," Josh continued hugging him close. "Man her mother said she couldn't sleep without hearing your voice and she hasn't even met you, not really. She remembers your voice though and knew you were important. You will never meet her and she will never know anything about you except your voice but she would still love you. She's your little girl. Madison is her name if you were wondering. You should have told me about that. I would have supported it wholeheartedly. I'm just glad you found Hannah. She's a sweet girl. Did you know that she loves you a whole lot? She even visited you more than I have and I still feel bad about that."

He paused to take a deep breath.

"I don't want you to go but I guess this is it. This is goodbye and I'm not ready because it is way too soon brother. You're my brotha from another mother. You were always supposed to be around and I need you. I need you a lot more than you ever needed me and I'm sorry I didn't realize it before. I'm sorry Drake. I'm sorry. I wish I did before and you wouldn't have done this. I'm just really sorry-"

He was cut off by the machines beeping. He was surprised when nobody came running though because his heart monitors were going off like crazy. Didn't they need to restart his heart so it would continue to beat? Megan entered hesitantly but stayed near the open door and then he understood what the meaning was for the goodbye. DNR. They were going to let him die naturally and if that meant that he died from his heart stopping they were going to let him. He was going to die because his heart wasn't going to start up again and Josh didn't know if he could handle that.

"Megan we need them to start his heart up again. I thought I was ready but I can't lose Drake. Not now, I need him-" He sobbed loudly as the machine continued to show a flat line.

Moving forward he pulled Drake into a huge hug, refusing to let go and afraid of being alone. He wasn't alone. Not really. He had his family and he had Mindy but he wouldn't have Drake and that part scared him the most. He needed Drake. He needed him more than he could ever imagine.

"If it helps they stopped the medication four days ago when mom signed the paperwork so he wouldn't be resuscitated." Megan replied with a small sob. "He held out for these last couple of days and we really wanted you to see him before this would happen. He was holding on for you Josh. He wanted you to say goodbye too because as soon as you said what you needed, it was obvious. He knew. Somehow he knew and he held on for you. He still loves you Josh and don't ever forget that."

Josh wished a part of him could.

His heart was on fire now and he felt like he couldn't breath. But even more than that was the prospect of being alone. He didn't want that.

But now he was. Because Drake was truly gone now.

* * *

A/N: Only about two more chapters to go now. Please let me know how I'm doing and if there are things you either like or dislike about this fic. Most of these were written during the time I was on holiday so I only have about two more chapters to work on. Hope you liked it even though so far this story has been depressing.


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